Louisville

    Louisville is a great place to be. That is, unless you happen to want to go somewhere other than where you are. I hate that place. People who live there have nicknames for the stop lights. They call them LLL's. Long Louisville Lights. There is one near Courtney's new apartment. It is so bad that I now do one of two things. I either turn down the street before the light because it is faster going through the neighboring business complex than waiting for the light, or I go through the light. I am not worried about getting pulled over for doing it. Everyone runs red lights in that city. If you pull away from a light as soon as it turns green, you will be hit by the last two people that just couldn't wait. The police don't care. I was sitting at this same five minute light when a van blew through going the other way right in front of a cop. The cop waited for his light to change, then turned out the other way and went on his way.
    I have never seen a Louisville cop do anything. I did see one sitting in the very back corner of a deserted parking lot. They must save their energy for when the rowdy parts of town start shooting everything that looks at them funny.
    The people who drive in Louisville do not understand many things that are common in the rest of the world. Courtesy for example is completely absent from the roadways. I think most drivers are terrible, but these people are the worst. The surface streets are just as bad. Random lane changing is rampant, some people drive way under the limit, others are going twenty over. There is no rhyme or reason. I am not joking either. In one day I encountered a driver who was going 30 in a 45 and someone who was going at least 60 in a 45. People are idiots. I'm out.

Party Hard

    This weekend I did something that I have not done in a very long time. I was up until 3AM two nights in a row. I am so darn tired. I guess that is what happens when you have people over who want to have a good time. We only had two people over all weekend, but our place can't handle much more than that. We are having a party one person at a time. Friday our friend Laura came over. Ryan pestered her enough that she actually showed up. She has been flaking out on me since we graduated, so I was not holding my breath. She came through. We tried to find a liquor store. There is a college a mile away and there are apparently no liquor stores. So we went to walgreens and got some beer. I found a ten at the checkout and was a good person and went to the parking lot and found the lady who dropped it. The Universe owes me big. Just waiting for what goes around to come back around. We had a good time. Played one on two beer pong. Gave Laura a nice welt. Watched Wilfred. Felt terrible the next morning.
    The next day, Ryan's friend Jenn came up from Cinci. I have met this girl several times over the years. I lived two floors above her freshman year at Miami. I also had a conversation with her at a party a few months ago. She asked me where I went to college. Luckily, we had plenty of time to catch up over beers, Irish Car Bombs, (half way to St. Patties Day!) and maybe this time some of the information will stick. It was a really fun time and I felt great this morning! I got up, went to church, which took forever, went to the pool and read for a while, got sunburned on half of my body because it is the middle of September and I was not thinking about the sun, then lazed around the rest of the day. Now I think it is bed time so I am not useless at work tomorrow.

It has been two weeks since my last posts? This month is flying by. It will be Christmas in no time!

Golf

    I am taking up golf. Not surprisingly this idea amusement has been a growing interest since I moved to a place with a golf course view. It does not help that I can't afford to play a round on this course. Golf is a very expensive game. There are green fees to play, clubs to buy, driving range fees for practice, all the booze you have to drink to not quit outright after five holes, the hits just keep coming. One of the guys I work with gave me some old clubs that hit the ball well enough and there is a driving range down the street that is reasonable. Now I just need to find a course that I can play for free complete with an open bar and I will be set.
    I have yet to play an actual hole of golf with my new clubs. When I got them, he just gave the whole bag he used. It had become a repository for all of the clubs he had laying around. I took twenty one clubs out of the bag and I still have enough in it to fill all of my needs. Anyone want some used clubs? I'll give em to you cheap. Anyway, I am not sure how well it is going to go when I finally get out there. I have gone to the driving range a couple times and the results are mixed. I am pretty good with the irons. Off the rubber tees I can hit them pretty straight and am consistent enough with the distances. The drivers are another story. Occasionally I can put a good hit on the ball with them, but most of the time it is going all over the place. The thing that really worries me is this: at the end of my session I went over to the area with grass tee boxes and tried to hit a few with an iron. The farthest one went about ten feet. This will not be good if I can't drive off the tee and can't hit an iron when the ball is on the ground. Guess that is what the booze is for.

"Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes it rains."

Dreams

    I should write a post about all of the things I like about my new place. That might be kind of an interesting post. Instead I am going to tell you about the dream I had last night. Well at least the part I remember. So it started out that we were hanging out in this enormous tree house. For some reason it was made of yellow legos. I am pretty sure there was some crazy happenings that went on that got us in the tree house, but the details are vague. No sense in rambling on about that. While we (I don't remember who "we" was. Probably some of my siblings or maybe Courtney.) were in the Lego tree house, my mom and dad came driving up to the tree in a mini-van. They sped up as they got closer and hit one of the roots and rolled the van. It broke into a bunch of pieces because it was also made of Legos. They got out unharmed and started scavenging parts off of the ruined van to sell or something. Remarkably, that was not the highlight of the dream. Also, while I was up in the treehouse a bear tried to get in. So I fought it. I must have seen it coming, because as it lunged through the opening in the wall (you know, like lego houses have, just kind of a large retangle hole, no door or window) I blindsided it and kicked it into the wall. There was quite a bit of wrestling that followed. It came at me a few times and each time I side-stepped the attack and threw it off. At one point, after I checked it into the wall pretty hard, there was a bloody spot left from where its head hit. I don't recall the ultimate ending to the dream, but I was clearly winning. Sort of like how I am clearly winning the awesome dream contest. Thanks for playing.

Moving On Up

    I am getting out of this place for good. I am moving out of this horrible place and taking up residence on a golf course. My view is going from crappy cars and the obese smokers they belong to to the lovely expanses of the 18th green of the Beavercreek Country Club. If I had a truck I would move tonight. Sadly, I will have to wait until Saturday. I have all of the headache inducing details figured out. All of the utilities are going to be turned off at the right time, the new lease is already signed. The new place has pool furniture! And attractive people! I am a little concerned by the placement of a telescope in one of the clubhouse windows that faces the pool. Not sure what all that is about. I am a little worried about getting my couch out of my current place and into the new one. It is the only thing that I have gotten since moving here that will not fit in a normal vehicle. It should not be too much of a problem though. As long as someone shows up to help me move... Like I said, I am moving in like two days, but I have not really packed anything. I am starting to think this might be a problem potentially. Eh, I'll pack tomorrow. Or Friday.

    Hope the Tigers start winning more soon. I finally get a means to watch them and they start being terrible again.

"You can 'bring home the bacon'!"

Swing And A Miss

    I am really starting to wonder when I am going to start making the best choices in my life. I figure after a while I will get lucky and something will go completely well right? Still waiting on when that might be. I mentioned the housing debacle in my last post. That is still a debacle and will continue to be so until I am completely free of this place. At that point, I am sure a fresh batch of should-haves will come into view. The latest frustration comes in the form of a raise. Yes, I am aware that raises should not be frustrating. Well this one is. Once again, I thought maybe they would give me a nice bump and get me on track toward my earning goals. My sights were set quite lofty indeed. I was hoping for a couple bucks an hour. In six months I went from knowing nothing to being the big fish in the office. I do not think it is unreasonable to think that this would garner a decent increase in compensation. Turns out it only gets you the usual. I am now making fifty four cents an hour more. Or I will be once it goes through. I will be getting another 3% increase in another six months. That would be nice if I was not started out almost 10% below the MINIMUM I wanted to start at. I keep getting the same lines when they tell me what I will be getting. "This is the most we give anyone." "You started out higher than most." Well guess what, I am more educated and naturally smarter than everyone else here. I damn well better be making more than the slaps you hire from the employment office! What really gets me is that I probably could have been making more. When I was thinking about things this afternoon I was reminded of a job that I missed by one spot. That job started out at 40k/yr and increased to 50k/yr by the end of the first year. For all those of you who are math challenged, that is a 25% increase. This employer called me a few weeks after I started at Konecranes to tell me that the guy they did hire did not work out and to see if I could come back in for another interview. I turned the offer down thinking I would be getting a nice increase when I was hired on full time. WRONG! Next year at this time, if they don't wise up, I will be looking for new employment. With two years experience in a challenging project management setting, I will be a shoe-in for fifty K base at any company that actually values keeping driven, talented people.  

"It's called a lance, helloooo"

I Want My Money

I am trying to sell a vehicle. If you know anyone who wants a cheap truck that needs a little work, let me know. It has been getting a lot of interest so far, but no one has made an offer yet. I am likely to take the first offer that is made. I might be a little impatient about it. It has only been in the yard for like a week.
I could use that influx of cash. I could also use the raise that I have been promised. A few weeks ago the other guy who did the same job as me got demoted. This meant that I got all his work, which was all messed up because he was doing such a poor job he lost his job. I am hoping for big increases though, so I guess I can wait a few more days. Still, it is tough when the workload doubles and the frustration triples and there is nothing positive gained. Other than the respect of my superiors.
The reason I could use some extra money is that I am moving. I am breaking a lease and the property rental place are being eyeholes about the whole thing. Trying to change how the lease reads and things like that. They must think they are dealing with the usual fools who rent with them. Should be an interesting few weeks then.

"Pudge controls the weather."

Quite The Week

    This week has gone by very fast. I thought I wrote a post a few days ago, but now I see it has been almost a full week. A lot has happened since then. On Monday the other guy who does the same job as me got demoted. This was a little bit of a surprise to me. Apparently he didn’t really do much other than watch TV shows all day. One example of how bad he was doing is that we are supposed to have drawings cleaned up and released within a few days of getting them. He had some that had been sitting for almost a month. On Tuesday we realized how good of a decision it was to move him elsewhere when nearly every job of his we looked at needed something done. My workload has been increased by about 50%. I heard before this all went down that there would be some increased monetary compensation for me in the deal. I need to talk to someone next week about that because definitely think there should be. I am aiming for a three dollar an hour raise. That is about an 18% increase in pay. That may seem like a bit, but they low balled me hard when I first started with the main reason being I had no experience. Clearly they think I am good at the job if they got rid of the guy who had been here twice as long. It will really depend on if the company puts enough value on talent. Out in the factory they do not, so I have to keep my fingers crossed that things are different in the office. If not, I will stick it out for two years, then use two years of project management experience to get a job with a company that has its priorities in order. I might do that even if they do give me what I want. Who knows, two years is a long way off.

    I may be moving soon. I know a guy who is looking for a roommate and it could be a good move. He lives over toward Dayton, so there would be more people and more to do. My power went out for 24 hours from Friday evening to Saturday evening and I spent most of that time in bed because that was literally the most fun thing to do. This apartment complex I am in sucks. There is no fitness room, no furniture on the pool deck, and the pool has been closed all weekend even though it is in the 90’s. I do not like it here and am looking forward to getting out. Now if they will just respond to a damn email I will find out what it takes to get out of a lease. I am really glad the power came back on when it did. All my food was about to thaw. I was this close to eating ten hamburgers in one evening to keep from having to throw them away. I dislike wasting food.

“That smells like pure gasoline.”

Lather

    This is going to make me sound really lazy, but there is more to it than that. I hate when I see a new looking soap dispenser and when I push the thing regular old liquid soap comes out. Then I have to lather it up myself and that takes more time. In reality, the extra rubbing probably kills more germs and all that jazz, but I really like the instant foam. It is something that you don't really think about, but that is one of my favorite  recent gadgets. It eliminates the occasional dud soap that just doesn't want to lather. I should get one of those pumps for my house.

    I went on something like a real date this evening. I met Court half way between where we were and had dinner in a little town in the middle of nowhere. The restaurant we went to makes some really good burgers. I had a half pound bison burger with mozzarella cheese and jalapenos. It was delicious. We need to bring back the bison so we can eat them more responsibly. And eat them more. Courtney got one that had a one-third pound burger, a slice of thick salami, bacon, onion rings, and cream cheese along with lettuce and tomato. That one was pretty good. We might have to go back there. The only problem with that is there are more places to eat just in that little town and there is an Amish restaurant a few miles away. I want to go there because we used to watch this show about Amish cooking on PBS and everything the lady cooked looked awesome. There are just too many places to eat in the world! I want to go to them all!

    I got passed by some punk on a sport bike on my way to work this morning, so at the next stop sign I floored it off the line and stuck to his back tire all the way up to 80. I think that made him mad because he didn't stop and zipped around the two cars in front of us. He must have had somewhere better than work to go to. I know I was not in that kind of a hurry. Actually I hope he got arrested for riding like an eyehole.

"If the only thing to fear is fear itself, why does Elanor Roosevelt wear that spooky mask?"

Eggs

    My eggy creations have been getting more and more weird of late. Today's dinner is three eggs scrambled with diced onion, sharp cheddar cheese, sour cream with chives, fresh style salsa (I have had it for a while. It was more fresh when I purchased it), and a dash of hot sauce. This, while being less than healthy, is far from the most unhealthy iteration. That would have to be the eggs with onion, cheese, garlic, and pepperoni. Really freaking good, but I felt a step closer to the grave after eating it. I need to eat more vegetables. Its too bad I hate them all. I had a container of spinach that I was piling on my turkey salami sandwiches every day, but it got soggy. Well I am stuffed.

   I started watching Falling Skies a few days ago. I heard of the show when it first started airing last year some time, but I didn't care. Then I saw the preview for the season premier and it looked pretty cool so I had to scour the interweb to find the first season. It is quite entertaining. It is about people who are trying to survive on earth after an alien invasion. I am a little disappointed that they have not shown the invasion, but other than that it is decent. Lots of crap to deal with when the aliens take over. I think my favorite line so far was this: "I don't know what makes sense anymore. We're fighting aliens from outer space!" Good times.

    I am going to watch some more now. Stay frosty.

There Was An Old Lady

        I have some serious bones to pick with this outlandish children’s rhyme/tale. Most of my consternation lies with the old lady. She is obviously not well. No one in their right mind goes around shoveling wildlife down their gaping maw. I do not place any blame on the fly as other might. The end of every verse clearly states that the old woman swallowed the fly. There is no mention of the fly having any intention to be eaten. Then there is the logic of swallowing certain animals in the hope of catching other animals. There are two parts to this gaffe. First, I can understand the first attempt. Sure, swallow a spider to catch the fly. Spiders catch insects. Makes perfect sense. Except it doesn’t. Is the spider going to build a web inside the woman? Sounds more detrimental than helpful to me. After the spider things go wacky fast all the way up to a cow and a horse. Have you ever seen a cow chase anything? I haven’t. I have not seen a horse catch a cow either. This brings me to point number two. Does she have these animals trained? I do not see any other way she could possibly think that a goat would catch a dog, unless she had trained it specifically to do so. If this is the case, why in the heck would she do that? What possible scenario did she envision that she would need twelve different animals all trained to catch one of the others? No one has that kind of time! And wouldn’t they all be after each other all time or do they catch on command? Actually this is starting to sound like quite the impressive venture.

        The last major beef that I am going to mention here is the very last line of the story “she died of course.” This is referring to the old lady scarfing down the horse. I fail to see how, at this juncture, it is obvious that her actions would kill her. Think about it. This person just consumed an entire cow and was then still spritely enough to get a horse in her mouth and swallowed. If a cow didn’t at least seriously slow her down, I fail to see how a horse could kill her. Unless the horse kicked her from the inside or something and caused internal trauma. How does she even open her mouth that wide? She must be eating them whole, otherwise the story would run a little differently. “She swallowed the ton of horse meat to catch the fifteen hundred pounds of steak…” What a dumb lady. People eat bugs all the time. Just suck it up and move on. No need to clear out the farm.

“We need you.”
“More than you know.”
“Not that much.”

Omissions

    I realized after I made that post yesterday that I had a pretty big weekend and basically skipped right over it. The fun started Friday at four when I got off work an hour early and hit the road. Traffic was pretty light, so I was making good time, but I knew that there would be tie-ups in Cinci so I had to keep the hammer down. Sure enough, about twenty miles from my destination, the lane I was in stopped. The other two kept going, which did not make me happy. Then they stopped too and I got over it. We were stop and go for a little while, then magically everything cleared up. The only possible reason for the delay (other than rampant Cincinnati driver incompetence) was a disabled vehicle on the side of the road. Things didn't start to get hairy again until I was almost at the 75-71 split where both highways converge and try to cross the river at the same spot. This works about as well as it sounds like it would. Miles from the bridge, the right two lanes get backed up. You know, the ones that you need to be in to exit. A little ways up from where the right lanes get jammed, the left lane gets backed up with people trying to get on 71. This leaves one lane clear. I am in a hurry, so there is no way I am getting over before I have to. I know my exit is coming up in less than a mile. There are no gaps. There is a sign for my exit in half a mile. Still no gaps. Keep in mind, I am still going 65 and I have to cross two lanes of stopped traffic to exit. Here comes my exit, then as the exit ramp begins a gap appears between a car and the semi in front of it. I put my signal on and swoop in and just as I enter that spot, another gap appears in front of an RV in the next lane. I gun it and after a split second of panic that comes with a blind lane change I am off the highway on a nearly deserted downtown street just minutes from the park.
     There were tons of Tigers fans around. I think some of them were lost, because as I was driving in there were some like ten blocks away from the stadium walking the wrong way. I drove around for bit trying to find a cheap place to park. I made a pass by the park and then headed back away. Two blocks away was a sign for $15 parking. Heck no. On the next block was a garage with $7 parking. Much better. I changed out of my jeans in my car (this is highly impressive and that is only reason I have included it), grabbed my glove, and headed for my first major league game in two years. Met up with Courtney in front of the park and went in. We had over an hour before the game started, so we walked around the park. I had a feeling there would be some people there that I knew, but you will never guess who I actually ran into. Tony Metzger! I know right? What are the odds? So that was cool to chat with him for a second. Then we bought a couple wallet busting beers (which were almost worth it they were so delicious. Half Summer Shandy, half Berry Weiss give it a try sometime) and found our seats. The Tigers lost, but whatever. They won the next two games and look like a team that wants to win. They have even been playing offense and defense in the same games.
    I am tired of typing for now. Later I will recount the thrilling experience of getting from the stadium to my car then to a restaurant that serves food after 11.

"If this thing was any smarter it would write a book. A book that would make Ulysses look like it was written in crayon. Then it would read it to you."

Its Is Still Spaghetti Day

    Last day of the spaghetti marathon. I took a break over the weekend. I am a little sad actually. This means I am going to have to cook again soon. I have no idea what I want to eat tomorrow. Maybe it is time to cook up some of those hamburgers I got last week. That might have to happen.
     Went to the Tigers game on Friday. Not surprisingly it was the one game they lost this weekend. Still, it was fun. There were a ton of Tigers fans at the park. From what I heard and saw of the two other games, even more Tigers fans showed up for those. I have heard quite a bit of internet grumbling about a supposed "spitball" thrown by Jose Valverde. I personally hope he did throw a spitball. If you ain't cheatin, you ain't tryin. Someone posted a video of it to YouTube and it just looked like a straight ball to me. That was Charlie Brown's only pitch. The only reason Schroeder even put down signs was to make the other team think he threw something other than a straight ball. He also got thrown out trying to steal home one time because he worked himself up so much thinking about doing it that he slid half way down the base path. Never came close to the plate. Quite the silly cue ball headed character.

     I really like my car. Today at a red light I was enjoying the breeze coming in the window so much that I wanted more. Popped the latches and ten seconds later the roof was down and I could continue on my way. I wonder what the other cars on the road think when I do stuff like that. They should just mind their own business.

Good Week, Fingers Crossed

   So. The week so far has been something else. Monday was pretty uneventful. Work was just work, most of the skin peeled off my back, went for a nice run in the evening, nothing much to report. I honestly don't remember much of Monday. I am not going to try and decide if that is a good thing or not. Moving on... Today was pretty terrible. We had a guy come in to inspect a crane. The company that commissioned him to do the inspection was not especially clear on what exactly they wanted. They did not give him any specific instructions and they certainly didn't give me any. I had a few documents and certifications showing that the crane had gone through the correct processes to be built. So I spent five hours, not including the lunch hour, sitting there waiting for him to figure out what information he needed so I could tell him it was done or correct or whatever. It was especially frustrating since I actually had stuff to do today. For once. Nothing was going right either. The guy couldn't connect to our internet and acted like it was crazy town that we have a secure network, then he needed to scan a bunch of stuff and of course there is one flipping scanner in the whole building. And it had a paper jam. Its not my fault, okay?!? Just fill out your damn paperwork and go away! I have cranes to pretend to manage.

   It is all up hill from here! I got two new hand soaps, Lemon Grass & Basil and Black Currant & Plum. Not sure why they can't seem to just put one aroma in a soap. Maybe it is in the aroma's contract that they have to be paired. Someone should look into that for me. WEDNESDAY IS SPAGHETTI DAY!!! That means I am having spaghetti. I am excited. Almost as excited as I am for Friday when I get to see the Tigers get humiliated by the Reds! I mean when I get to see the Tigers finally win a cussing game! Yay! They better win. I will be sooo angry if I go to a game and they lose. Sadly, the odds are not in my favor that will happen.

"Good feeling gone."

New Experiences

    I got to go to a job site this week. It was a nice change of pace getting out from in front of the computer screen. I am back in front of it writing this of course. At the site I got to see an installer put four cranes in the air. It was a very easy install. They put all four up in less than an hour. There was plenty of overhead clearance and there was room to spare on both sides of the rails. I would like to see a difficult install sometime. This was new construction, no equipment or anything in the way. I would like to see something go up in an existing building where they have to maneuver around things and everything is not super easy. I got lunch paid for this time though, so I have no complaints. The week was super slow, so and change of pace was welcome.

    Just watched The Brothers Grimm. Weird movie. It would have been better if you could understand anything  the guy with the French accent was saying. Or if the little bits of CGI they used were not so campy. It is a highly improbably story. I think they all would have died several more times if it was more realistic. Yes I did say more times. Most of the main characters died once. I also used the word realistic to describe a movie that is based around fairy tale story lines. The old fairy tales were quite cool really. Evil queens living in tower, heroes battling supernatural forces. Too bad all we know of them these days is soft color dwarfs and never ending musical numbers. I wouldn't mind finding a real life sleeping beauty. Aurora was hot in that movie.

    Its too bad the only recent movies on Hulu are Miramax. That studio is pretty much terrible at making movies.Oh well, Kate & Leopold it is. Hey, Hugh Jackman and the guy who plays his brother in X-Men Origins: Wolverine are both in this. Its like 19th century X-men. Yeah, just keep telling myself that. At least so far I have understood every line. Hahaha, they just time traveled.

"Give it the beans!"

Too Much Sun

    Does it count as drunk driving if the person doing the steering and working the pedals is sober but the one doing the shifting has had a few more than one? I am going to say no.

    I played my first round of golf over the weekend. A complete 15 holes. That was all my team mate and I could take. The day started out well enough. Ten guys hitting the links for the start of a bachelor party. Then we got to the first tee. I am not horrible. I hit a few decent shots. Sadly, my best drive we could not find, even though it clearly landed on the fairway. Others we could not find because they landed two holes over across a pond. I had some decent putts. I don't think any of the greens were particularly difficult either. I had at least two rim out. That has to be the most demoralizing thing in the world. You do all that work. Hit the ball as best you can over and over. Then, right when victory is within your grasp, you miss by a half inch and have to take that ten because everyone is yelling at you to stop holding up the group. That didn't actually happen. We were playing best shot, and we are really good at cheating, so the worst we got on any hole was an 8 and we didn't even play those two. Seriously, that is when it became not worth it and we spent the next two holes driving around drinking more beer. Busch classic. That is not what it is actually called, but it wasn't Busch light. Doesn't everyone just make something plausible up when they don't really know what they are talking about? Well they should. On one hole, the rule was you had to use a seven iron on every shot (there was a rule for each hole). On the seven iron hole, I teed off using a crushed Coors Light can. It was my second best shot of the day.

   I got a great sun burn on the course. I wore a polo with a sleeveless athletic shirt underneath. It was too hot on the back nine, so I took the polo off and proceeded to make it look like I had a white shirt on all the time. Luckily we went to the pool Monday afternoon during the hottest part of the day and I burned the heck out of the rest of me, so it just looks like I am an Indian. That's not racist. I think this is the end of this post.

"If you don't have anything nice to say, say it under your breath."

A Regular

    Something out of the ordinary in my pathetically mundane life occurred yesterday. I got a visit from a family member. My big bro Adam stopped in on his way back to St. Louie. Truth be told, he stopped in at just about every town in Ohio. The main reason for the stop was to give his Jeep a rest. It gets tired. He had to stop in Paris and Brazil. We went to the only bar I have found that is worth going to for dinner. On the way there we were talking about being a regular at a place. I was saying that I was not a regular, but was sort of trying to move in that direction. When we were there, Adam asked the girl behind the bar what the specials were that day. She apologized and said she just assumed I already knew. I may not be a regular, but I am apparently a familiar face. Not sure if that is a good thing or not.

    I heard another fantastic instance of parenting from across the parking lot today. The super fat lady was getting out of the car with her two small children when her husband (I am assuming, poor man) came out and helped carry stuff in. This was said by the large one to the husband about the little girl: "She is being an eyehole." I am paraphrasing. This lady needs to stop wearing tank tops. Not only is she enormous, she wears skin hugging clothing. Must be a really lousy way to live. Huge and angry. I prolly need to move before I say something insulting and she sits on me.

"More like an involuntary vow of poverty."

Big Questions

    Is the relaxed state of eyelids open or closed? I always thought it was closed. After all, you are not thinking about keeping your eyes closed when you are asleep, but they stay that way. On the other hand, I hardly ever have to really concentrate on keeping my eyes open when I am awake either. I just open them and they kind of stay there. Sometimes it feels really nice to close my eyes, almost like it is a load off of some muscle that has been straining. Just now I was laying on the ground barely using any muscles at all (trying to relax all of them actually) and my eyes were still open. My vision was starting to blur because the muscles in my eyes were not trying very hard, but my eyes were not closing. When I closed them, it seemed like more of a strain. This is truly a paradox.

    Bob asked me if I lost my razor this morning. In his words, the guys on the floor are supposed to look disheveled, but me, as a high ranking company official, should look presentable at all times. It is news to me that I am high ranking or official. I am not sure if he also noticed that I forgot to put a belt on this morning when I was getting dressed. I won’t tell you what else Bob told me. It had something to do with women being allowed to vote and how back when only men made decisions they would just shoot the people who were dragging their feet and a lot more things got done. He was being mostly serious.

    I have discovered my new favorite spicy sauce. It is a chili garlic sauce and it is hot as heck. Really tasty though. It goes magnificently with Kraft mac n cheese with a Bud Lime to drink. It really clears out the sinuses too. It is about half chili seeds and the rest is just mashed up garlic and peppers I am pretty sure. I really have no idea what is in this stuff. It could be little seed shaped pieces of wood and artificial red spicy paste for all I know.



“So you put down your rock and I put down my sword and we try to kill each other like civilized people?”

The Big One Oh Oh

    This is my one hundredth post. To any of you who have read them all, I am sorry.


    Gas prices are the biggest sham in the modern world. I do not believe for one second that they are driven by anything other than blind greed. Last week the price of gas at one filling station I drive by was 3.78 one day, 3.54 the next, and 3.81 the day after that. I would just love to hear the explanation on that one.
Questioner: "So mister gas price analysis expert, what's up with the huge swing south followed immediately by a conveniently bigger swing north?"
Gas Price Analysis Expert: "Well, uh, gas prices were just about to plummet with increasing supply and decreasing demand, but uh, well um...someone sneezed. Yeah, that's it, they sneezed on the control panel and the WHOLE plant had to shut down for five minutes while they cleaned the control panel. No one wants to get a cold right? Well that short down time had one of those things, like, you know like a butterfly affect. I think I heard that was a real thing in a movie one time. Well that butterfly really messed up everything so now prices are back up. Don't expect them to drop any time soon ether. That butterfly was a nasty bugger."
Questioner: "Riggghhhhtttttttt..."

    That is how I imagine someone has justified it. I am going to buy a solar powered scooter.

"She's got things that belong to me too! If you think you're alone in this you're crazy."

Worst Announcers In The World

    I can not stand when the Tigers play the White Sox. It means that when I watch the recap I will have to listen to the moronic ramblings of the south-side dimwit they have calling their games. He has the worst catch phrases I have ever heard. And I know a bad catch phrase when I hear it. I have been listening to Rod Allen for years after all. The difference between Rod and this guy is that Rod uses complete sentences and doesn't sound like a coked out fanatic when he talks. This is the thing I forgot earlier in case you were wondering. If I was a Pale Hose fan, I would be calling for this guys resignation. If they Chicago fans do in fact enjoy listening to this person, then there is no hope for that city. This is my new favorite website http://www.heavethehawk.com/index.php If only every one of my rants had a website dedicated to it. "This website is dedicated to the removal of White Sox television broadcaster Ken "Hawk" Harrelson. Mr. Harrelson's unique blend of non-standard English and ego-maniacal blather has made the mute button a must for Sox T.V. viewers during the last three decades." Those poor people.

Too Much

    I am pretty grossed out by the new graphic anti smoking ads. Sure they might be a good deterrent to people starting smoking or a wake-up call for people who have not had the resolve to quit, but I do not need to see that stuff. I already think smoking and the people who do it are vile. Maybe vile is a little strong. However, there is not doubt I wish horrible things on the people who smoke outside my window and make my whole apartment smell like cigarettes five times a night. I like to slam my window shut when I know they are out there. I should get a smoke grenade and a gas mask and when they are out smoking I can toss the grenade down and when they look up I will just ask how it feels as I put on the mask while laughing my head off. That would be a good resolution to the problem. All I would have to do after that is move. But seriously, how does anyone think smoking is a good idea? I've done it. It is not pleasant. Let's set something on fire and inhale the smoke and fumes it produces. Don't worry about the fact that you have no idea what lethal chemicals may be present in said fumes. People are so dumb. I swear, as soon as I get enough money to move to my deserted island, I am out of here.

    I had something else I was going to write about, but I don't recall what it was. Smokers make me so angry I forget good blog topics. Their existence is now impacting your entertainment. I would not care if it wasn't for the whole second hand smoke thing. If you want to die of lung cancer that is your deal, but when your actions negatively impact my life then I want to punch you in the throat. Lethal is a fun word. Lethal.

    And of course the Tigers are the MLB.tv free game of the day and they are playing at 2:10. This is so typical I could spit.

"Well, you're not wrong."

Owned

    I just paid off my Best Buy credit card. I now own my television. In fact, I am the undisputed owner of everything in my living room. All three things. Except The Hunger Games. That is borrowed.
    I finished those books this weekend. The first two are good, the third, not so much. I feel like the scope of the story grew beyond the writing abilities of the author. Which is very sad because she really had something going there and it just didn't live up to its own build up. I am not saying it is a bad story. I did enjoy reading it, but it could have been better. I am willing to bet this is one time I will like the movie better than the book. I am pretty bummed about the whole thing actually. What a terrible waste of a story. Just stop after the first two books and make up a decent ending for yourself.
    I got glasses for the first time in years this week. They are nice when my contacts are bothering me, but they are not a full time thing. I almost knocked myself out getting into my car the first time I wore them because I am not used to only being able to see clearly in the center of my vision. My head still hurts and this was Friday. The lenses do weird things to my vision. I think it is because they are cheap impact resistant lenses and not any fancy material. When I look at things through the sides of the lenses, the colors are separated. Like if I look at something orange on my screen, there is a yellow line down one side and a red line down the other. It is not just things on a screen either. Pretty interesting. Unlike how this blog post is getting. Read the Hunger Games, they are not so bad. I just had a favorite character and didn't like what happened to them. I'll get over it.

"There's only one God ma'am. And I'm pretty sure he doesn't dress like that."

Gear Grinding

    A new lady started at work this week. Her name is Lucinda Rice. Me and Adam (another of the project managers) had a discussion about that name. Before we had any idea who this person was, we decided that she was most likely an old black lady. Don't even try to pretend that you don't think that sounds like a name an old black lady would have. Turns out she is not black and she is not old. We did not take into account the fact that she would go by Lucy. I hope she never finds out that we have discussions like this. It reminds me of the times Katie and I would play hot-or-not over instant message about people who were in the room. Its awkward when they find out.

    Remember when people posted things on Facebook that were fun? I barely do. Facebook status updates used to be about cool things like "Party at the lake this weekend! 'Bout to get my drink on!" These days every status is something like "Go Obama! I wish he was my dad!" (wake up people, its an election year. everything he does is to appease the most people and try to get reelected.) or "Two thirds of North Carolina is dumb." It is really annoying. I realized today that I have actually started to avoid Facebook. It sucks. I don't care about your political views or if you support someone or think everyone is morons. Just can it!

    Has anyone seen this video of the girl tripping during the steeplechase and flipping into the water? Its hilarious. Normally I would leave you with that, but I went for a run yesterday and had nothing better to do than think, so I came up with this tidbit. The girl said she had no recollection of the moment it happened. As far as her memory goes, she was running up to the obstacle, then she was coming up out of the water. I find this very interesting. You hear about this sort of thing happening quite a bit. Something intense and unexpected happens and the person involved barely remembers any of it. My hypothesis is this: during these moments, i.e. flipping into a pool of water when you are supposed to be running a race, the brain is firing so fast in so many directions trying to asses and rectify the situation that it has zero capability left over to file thoughts away as memories. This is my take on it and I bet I am right. If you don't believe me, I will shove you down a flight of stairs while you are not paying attention and see how much you remember.

"Please tell me nobody kissed me."

Break Is Over

    Don't worry, I didn't give up yet. I just had some stuff going on the last few days and have not had time to write a post. That should mean that this one will be decent, but I doubt it.

    Let's get a strong start. So the weather is really out doing itself these days. I only had to plan on washing my car and it starts pouring. So I went to the grocery store instead. On the way home I stopped at the car wash because it is the only covered place I could think of and did some cleaning and protecting of the inside of my car. There is not a single interior surface of that thing that is not slippery. Other than the ones that would be obviously dangerous if they were hard to hold onto. You know, like the steering wheel. I only did part of that. So if it starts to slip, I will eventually get to a not slippery spot. My hands feel funny now. Maybe I used too much leather protectant. Protectant is a word right? Blogger doesn't seem to think so.

    Anyone see The Avengers over the weekend? Best movie ever right? I have spent some serious time on this and I can not come up with a single thing that I didn't like about that movie. Isn't that crazy? There is action, and humor, and bromance, and action, and the best Hulk ever (I'm young and biased against the past, get over it.) What's that? I was the only one crushing on every main character? I don't believe you. I am going to see it again this weekend. Maybe twice. I hear tell of multiple scenes after the credits and I don't know if I stayed for all of them. I barely remember any of the movie to be honest. I was so geeked out I lost my ability to retain information.

    I went to the Kentucky Derby over the weekend. If you are ever thinking of going and can only afford to go to the infield...don't. Instead, go to a nice derby party, have some cheap drinks, and actually enjoy yourself. That way you will be able to watch some horse racing too. If you go to the infield, you will spend a whole load of money to get bumped into by thousands of sweaty drunks who are most likely about to puke any second. You will also only realize they are holding races if you happen to look up at the video screen at the right moment. I literally saw two seconds of live horse racing. One thing that was pretty cool about the afternoon was when a particularly loud group of gentleman started singing the national anthem and everyone around joined in. I had a great time.

"He's adopted."

Parenting Award

    A few minutes ago I was out washing my wheels in the rain (cause you know, that's the sort of thing I do) and I heard one of my lovely neighbors across the way swear quite loudly and obscenely. I would tell you what it was, but you are not old enough to hear it. Incidentally, I do not believe either of the children who live at this residence are old enough either. Not sure if the searing words were aimed at a child, but I am sure they heard it loud and clear. I guess that is how you act when you are the cream of society like these people clearly are. My goodness. Even in the rain someone can manage to make my apartment smell like crap. Smokers need to just cut it out. If your life is so stressful that you need to light something on fire and suck on it for a while, you need to reevaluate yourself and then go do that disgusting habit someone far from me.
   
    On a more enjoyable note; I was blessed with my first rain run in a very long time this afternoon. I was a little worried because the rain we have been having lately has not been gentle. Even as we speak (if either of us are speaking at this moment) it is pouring. While I was out there though, it was just a light sprinkle. Enough so you knew it was raining, but not so much that you wanted hide under a tree. It was definitely not as fun as rain runs were in high school when there were twenty other guys running that you could stomp in puddles and have get mad because you got them wet even though it was raining. Sissies.

   Tigers pitching needs to step it up. Starting right now.

"Avengers comes out in three days, get excited. This is not a real quote. Hope you are not too put out."

Velvet

    I made what might possibly turn out to be the best purchase of my Springfield tenure last night. That's right, I got myself a one point seven five quart container of Blue Bunny red velvet cake flavored ice cream. And yes, it tastes exactly like red velvet cake. Let the fattening up begin. Lol yeah right. But seriously, cream cheese frosting swirled in. My mouth is very happy.
   Yesterday my sister graduated from college. This means she gets ten days to take a deep breath before continuing to go to college. I don't understand it either. I didn't come here to tell you that. While we* were packing up here stuff, my father found a box of stuffed crab cakes or the like and brought it up to show us. He then pointed out that it was unopened and still cold so he tossed it in the cooler and they took it home. I now realize where I got my affinity for keeping things I discover on the wayside. I need to put this ice cream away. I am going to be sick here soon. I wonder why eating ice cream makes you thirsty. Actually I do not know if it makes you thirsty, but it always makes me thirsty. I wonder why that is. Luckily just drinking a glass of water fixes the problem.

Watch this video, its funny.

We all know that the moon is not made of green cheese. But what if it were made of barbecue spare ribs, would you eat it then?

"We need more monkeys!"
"There aren't any more. That's the whole barrel!"

*Just about everyone but me I realized later.

Medium

    I went to Wendy’s after church this afternoon. It just sounded good when I drove by on the way in. I got a medium combo. When I ordered a medium, I was expecting a good amount of fries and a decent sized drink. What I got was about a gallon of sweet tea and a few fries. If my car was a boat, I could have dug a canal, poured my drink into it, and floated all the way home. It was a good meal. I don’t know how people can eat fast food all the time though. I feel a little off after eating it once.

    I have been thinking about buying MLB.TV now that they have it for XBOX. It is a little cost prohibitive though. On top of the cost, I just realized I can watch recaps of all of the previous day’s games for free. So I can either pay a whole bunch and watch maybe a game a day or I can pay nothing and watch all of the best parts of all of the games. We will have to see how the Tigers play the next few weeks. If my team isn’t winning, there is really no point in spending the money.

    Is it just me or are there a lot of line drive home runs this season? It seems like every one I see is over the fence on a line. Maybe they made all the ball parks smaller.



“His spirit is gone but his stench remains.”

A Quick Thought

   When someone tells me I am putting the cart in front of the horse I say "Its a push cart!"

"You know what my grandfather says? Get back to work!"

Observation

    I dislike all the other drivers on the road. It is a rarity that I see another driver and think “those people really seem like they know what they are doing.” Far more often I think “geeze, I need to get away from those people before I am involved in a motorway altercation they caused.” One thing I have noticed drivers doing a lot lately that I find very aggravating is pulling up past the stop bar. I mean I think it is a pretty easy thing to do. There is a two foot wide white stripe on the ground that you merely have to stop behind. I had to go way wide around this person today because they were half way into the intersection. I have seen this vehicle before. It is a tan Honda Odyssey with the front bumper hanging off, clearly indicating that this clueless woman has hit things in the past. One reason why it is upsetting is that I am a very economical driver. I like to take the best line around corners so I do not have to waste gas speeding up again on the other side. People who pull past stop bars at intersections are costing me money. I hate them. This is not happening at intersections with low visibility either. There are a lot of i’s in visibility. My goodness. But if there was low visibility, pulling out would be understandable. I am not unreasonable.

"There is no 'I' in team, but there are a whole bunch of them in invisibility."

How Does This Happen?

    How does sour cream go bad? Its already sour! When milk goes bad you say it goes sour. This distresses me greatly. I also have a rather extreme aversion to the flexible membrane sour cream develops when it is left undisturbed. It reminds me of something an alien would grow when it is morphing into its more advanced form. Whelp, time to peel it off and chow down. Enjoy your dinner. I know my chimi topped with extraterrestrial transformation goo is going to be delicious! Cheese and salsa help greatly.
    I can't decide if I am very judgmental or if the people around here really are disgusting. All I know for sure is that the lady across the street is one BIG reason I am not looking forward to summer.

    P.S. Adam, you will be relived to know that I got Forza 3 over the weekend. I will get Forza 4 sometime after the fifth iteration is released.

"Thank you toilet bowl for being cool on the side. You're my only friend."

Small Victories

    I was tearing it up during my run today. I totally blew the doors off these two old guys who were out jogging. Granted, the one had already started walking by the time I passed him. He was all done up with running gear too. Head to toe, shoes, pants, hat, and shirt. Maybe when I am old I will run in a hat too...and pants. You know what one of my least favorite things to happen while running is? Well my least favorite thing is having to go to the bathroom three miles from home and debating on whether to hold it or go behind a bush and hope no one calls the cops. Slightly preferred to that is this: I hate when I am running along and smell someone grilling out. It just kills all motivation I have. I go from "yeah, run fast, let's do this" to "I could really go for a hamburger." And then the best I can muster after that is something along the lines of "let's just get this over with so I can eat something."
    Does anyone know why fingernails get ridges in them? I have heard it is linked to stress. I don't know if I buy that, but I have heard stranger things. Whatever the cause, I have a few that are not so smooth. I suppose I am the only one who would notice that. I'm ready for a nap.

"These are not the people I grew up with! These are old people who are trying to get into heaven now!"

Miracle

    I went to the store today because I was running out of food I wanted to eat. That’s right. I was not running out of edible food. Far from it, actually, I just didn’t have much left that seemed worth the amount of work it would take to prepare. I was also out of butter, and that is just not acceptable. I don’t go through a lot of butter, but when I do want some it is generally on like Paula Dean. I really wanted some Kraft mac and cheese last night, but I only had one tablespoon of butter left, which is like a tenth of the amount I usually use. It’s more like mac and butter and cheese the way I make it. Has anyone noticed that I hardly ever keep these posts on track? This is how my mind works all the time. It’s a wonder I am as successful as I am. If that is even a good way to state how I am getting along. How about this: It’s a wonder I have not failed more spectacularly than I have. Maybe find somewhere in the middle and we will call it fair.

    I was going to tell about my trip to the store. Now before you make a disgusted bored noise and slam your computer shut (or just walk away if you have the non-“opening” variety of computer) hear me out. So I wanted to get some Miracle Whip. I just like it, okay? Give me a break. Anyway, I don’t use much of it, so I wanted to get a small size. Sucks for me then that the 30oz size is cheaper than the 12oz size! So I had to get an enormo jar of the tangy zip! HAHAHAHA! You totally should have walked away making disgusted noises! That was the whole story! Oh man, are you a sucker! This is rich. See if you come back ever again. Now if only my computer was plugged into the internets so I could unleash this killer post on the world wide wicket. That is what the third W stands for to me. Judging. I don't care what any of you think. I just made a very satisfying fried egg sandwich with my ten gallons of Miracle Whip.

"I'll forget the world that I knew, but I swear I won't forget you"

Clean Clothes

    Apparently, even if you have not worn them in months, jeans can still smell dirty if they have not been washed after being worn several times. This is distressing news to say the least. I was sure I was reaching the statute of limitations on jeans still being unclean. I also found out today that slapping bologna into a frying pan with hot oil in it is not a good idea. Just today, isn't that amazing? Can anyone tell me why frying lunch meat makes it dome in the middle? I would really like to know and then put a stop to it. I want the whole thing fried, not just some weird rings in the middle.
    So remember that last post when I was talking about the guy from Castle? Well he is the voice of the main character in my new video game. Oh, and his name is Nathan Fillion. I broke down and looked it up. I know, weak.
    If you want to drool over an awesome car, click here.

"I only dog paddle."

May 4th

    I can literally not wait until May 4th. If I had known a while back how desperate I was going to be to get to that date, I would have taken a serious look into time travel (it is too late now and going back in time would be counterproductive). The Avengers opens wide that day if any of you didn't know. This is going to be the most fantastic movie experience of your life if you choose to participate. To satiate my hunger for Avengeful moving pictures, and to ease the pain of waiting, I like to go on the movie's website and watch all of the trailers and TV spots. Over and over. I especially like "Head Count." I am especially amped now that I have realized the film was written by Joss Whedon. Never heard of him? My sister is familiar with his work. She recently watched all of the episodes of Firefly, which he also wrote and created. I think this is interesting, because I recently saw a commercial for the Avengers that was the guy who plays Rick Castle and Robert Downey Jr. talking about the movie. Castle is also the main character on Firefly. At least that actor plays both roles. You know what I mean. I could just look up the actors name and make things easier for everyone, but that is not how I roll.
   
    I feel I have to point out a sad fact about my little vacation Tuesday. Going back to Oxford made me very sad. I love that place in the spring. I saw more people I would deem to be quite attractive in the first five minutes I was in town than I have in three months in Springfield. There has got to be other places out there where beautiful people congregate. A place that is somewhat connected to the real world perhaps. Oxford is not the real world and maybe that is the problem.

"We've got a hulk."

I Love Weddings!

    So this thing hit me in the arm while I was driving...just kidding.

    Oh my. Rednecks across the way talking about how they are starting to get hair on their chests. Come on guys, save that for when you have had too many at the bar. I won't have to hear it that way.

    I got the rare opportunity to go to a Tuesday morning wedding earlier this week (Tuesday morning to be more specific). It was different for sure. My buddy John got married and I was one of only thirty people who were invited to the ceremony. One of only two people who were invited in the capacity of friends. So if anyone else who is friends with John is reading this, just know he likes me better. The ceremony took place in Kumler chapel at Miami. I had never been inside Kumler, but it was about what I expected. Lovely enough for a building that had been stripped of as much overtly religious symbols as possible. The wedding was so small that everyone there sat around the sanctuary. None of the pews in the main seating area were used at all. The ceremony took about ten minutes. John was dressed in full Scottish garb because he is a doofus like that. And because when else are you going to be able to wear a kilt and be acceptable? After the ceremony we all took a group picture then I took off to try and see some people before lunch. Apparently I was called several times for other small groupings. Oh well. Lunch was delicious. Flat iron steak and mashed potatoes. The second best steak I had this week, but by far the cheapest. Now the happy couple are off to two weeks in Europe while I go back to my hum-drum week. At least it will feel short with a mini vacation in the middle.

"I have no gate key."
"Fezik, rip his arms off."

It's Too Windy

I swear this post is not going to be about the weather. I was driving my car with the top down on the freeway yesterday and I had my arm out the window, as I am prone to do, when something hit me in the arm. I have been hit by bugs before and this was completely different. Bugs just bounce off, this thing literally exploded. I think it was a seed pod of some sort blown out of a stand of trees on the other side of the highway. Something green flew past my face shortly after impact. I about lost control as I frantically check to make sure my arm was still mostly intact. Thankfully the doctors were able to sew it back on. Actually there was not even any blood, but I did get a crazy welt. I can not remember having a welt before. I took a picture, but it is not really pleasant. Fine, here it is.

"The hospital made us take it home."

Keep Your Arms In the Vehicle

    I like to put my arm out the window when I am driving. Earlier today, that habit became rather painful. I was driving down the highway and something that must have been like a stick or something hit me in the arm. Then exploded on impact. I was very surprised that I was not bleeding. It was pretty intense. I did have one of the biggest welts I have ever gotten on my arm afterward. The swelling has gone down, but you can definitely still see where it hit me. I took a picture. Maybe I will post it on Facebook later.
    Why is it that you never see attractive women stranded on the side of the road? Is it that attractive women drive reliable cars? Or is it that attractive women get stranded and the first male who is paying attention stops to help them because it will make their day? I don't know the answer, but I am leaning toward the latter. All I know is, the only people I see on the side of the road are not attractive women. And heaven knows, I am not stopping for some fatty. Yeah, that is probably terrible.
    Went to see Ron White last night. He puts on a very funny show. Not for those who do not like things on the vulgar side though. If you think he is funny and want to go see him, I would not wait around. I don't think he is going to live much longer. He drinks a bottle of scotch every night he performs and smokes like it is his job.

"I need him to avenge my father dead these twenty years!"
"You're first story was better."

New Shoes

    My car got new shoes today. They are incredible. I was warned beforehand that they are performance tires, so they will not be super comfortable. The catch is that I went from worn out poorly balanced tires and rims to brand new perfectly balanced tires. It is amazing. It's like I am driving on a silk road. Seriously, it is like there is something wrong, that is how perfect the ride is. I am very pleased with my purchase. So pleased in fact that I am going to go enjoy it some more. Catch ya on the flip side.

People I Just Saw On TV:
Gary Senise is a really cool dude. Great character on a good show, loves to support the troops, played lieutenant Dan in Forrest Gump. There is nothing negative about this guy.
Mia Hamm is a pretty middle aged woman.

Great Day

    Today was a great day...after I got out of work. The work day just didn't seem to go well. We had a conference call this morning where a project manager was frustrated that I did not know the status of a job. Of course it was not my fault. I had been given that particular job the previous afternoon and the information associated with it was incorrect. The guy who had been handling the job is not so good at keeping things right. He also didn't make it in to work today. He was on the conference call though and was completely making stuff up about certain jobs. It is pretty obvious why most people like me more than him. I am better at my job and far less obnoxious. More stuff happened in the afternoon. People acting like the world is ending, blowing small things out of proportion, generally being unpleasant to work with.
    One thing is certain about today. It started looking up as soon as the top came down. There is nothing like having the sun on your shoulders and a small powerful engine screaming in front of you. I need to find a new route to work. There is only one short stretch that the speed limit is above 40. I need somewhere I can get through more than two gears before I am in danger of being arrested for excessive speeding. Oh no, its the coupon suzy commercial again. Must change the channel! I just closed my eyes and plugged my ears.
    Tomorrow is Friday. I may make it through this week yet. Unfortunately tomorrow is Friday the 13th, so I am not making too many big plans for the weekend. Also, I am getting new tires on my car tomorrow and have to burn up the ones I have as much as possible. Safety last!

"Thank you for bringing up that painful memory. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour some lemon juice on it!"

Not Perfect

    The Tigers had their first loss of the season today. It was pretty depressing. Leading most of the game behind a dominant performance from Justin Verlander only to have four runs scored against them in the ninth inning. Bummer. On the plus side, I heard today that Victor Martinez doesn't need a second knee surgery, so he might be back playing before September. This could potentially be incredible. Our lineup is already doing ridiculous things. With another big bat we would be unstoppable!!! Prince Fielder didn't get any hits today. He was my pick in Beat the Streak for today, so I am back to zero. I was so close too. I only had 51 more consecutive correct guesses to go.
   The game had two balks. One of those balks scored a run. I love a walk off balk. It is almost as good as a walk off walk. Or maybe better. I forget which one I liked more yesterday.
    The weather needs to get nicer. Before it got warm in March I was running pretty regularly even when it was chilly. Now if it isn't lovely outside I sit here and write sad blog posts while watching Jeopardy! Speaking of which, some dude just risked seven grand on a daily double to go from way last to first. And the category was about Tony awards! What a lucky dog. I think he guessed.

"I'm on the brute squad."
"You are the brute squad!"

Weening

    Well I really did it. I cancelled my cable. Apparently they can do just about anything remotely except stop service, so I have tv until this weekend. Saturday morning a man will come to my house and take away the lovely little box that provides me unsatisfactory levels of entertainment. Rather than doing the reasonable thing and weening myself from cable, I am going to watch as much as possible the next three days. Then I will be in withdrawal and everything will be terrible. Those jerks taking my cable box.
    Just saw a commercial for America's Next Top Model. I am now ready for them to take my cable box. I might disconnect it and set it outside right now actually. Tira Banks is a model because she is not intelligent enough to be heard. That goes for most models. The male and female versions. I bet a conversation at a photo shoot would just make you want to shoot your ears off.
    I am pretty sure there was something else I was going to write about. The Tigers are 4-0. So that is pretty cool. I say keep the A.L. East coming.

"The beatings will now begin!"

Not A Bad Start

Unless you are a member of the Red Sox or Yankees. This is the first time since like 1966 that both of those teams have started the season 0-3. That year they ended up competing for last in the American League. I hope they do the same this year. I could play the Red Sox all year. 26 runs in three games. They should be ashamed. They also allowed 7 home runs in the same three games. Both of those numbers put the Tigers on top of baseball in those categories. They have a cuss-ton of offense. That is probably a good thing. Someone who thinks they know a lot says that the Tigers will score eleven runs in a game and still lose once a month this season. I tend to disagree. Even sub-par pitching doesn't give up eleven runs very often. I have no problem with the tigers scoring that much. I would be surprised if they didn't. Regardless, it is going to be a heck of a season.

How about those Masters? Yeah, that's the extent of my golf knowledge too. Some guy named Bubba won. What does that say about the hallowed tradition and pomp of Augusta? I get Augusta and St Andrews mixed up. Whatever.

"This is for posterity, so please, be honest."

Officially Spring

    It is officially Spring. I know this because this weekend is Easter and I got my car out of storage. There are many many reasons why I am happy for this event and I am going to list as many as I can possibly think of below. Get excited.
1) Keyless entry. I hate having to put a key in the lock and turn it just to get into my vehicle. All that work just to gain access? This is especially handy when carrying things. Plus my car has a button that pops the trunk. Life is good.
2) Acceleration. The acceleration of my Passport was something on the scale of glacial. My S2000 on the other hand is very quick. It has been months since the vehicle I was driving has thrown me back in my seat. I happen to love this feeling.
3) Gas mileage. My SUV gets something like 17mpg average. That hurts. My car gets almost 30. Sure its premium fuel, but 20 cents a gallon does not put a dent in the savings of an extra ten miles per gallon.
4) Prestige. My SUV was almost fitting in at my apartment complex. My car will not, and that is a good thing. It will have a friend in the BMW Z4 a few doors down though, so I don't look too out of place. It is perfect really. Now there are just two people who give a crap about what they drive living there.
5) Open air. Sure all the windows on the Passport go down, but it still feels very enclosed. That is not the case with the top down on my car. The feeling is just different. With the windows down you just get air blowing on one side of your head, messing up your hair on one side (which looks way worse than just all around messed up hair) and it is just a bother. With the top down, the rushing wind becomes part of the ride rather than something you have to deal with during the ride.
6) Value. This may relate to prestige, but I think of it separately. This car makes me feel like I have accomplished something. It is the only really major purchase I have ever made. It is a personal sign that I may make something of myself yet. Not gonna lie to you, that may be the biggest reason I am excited to have it back. It means a lot more to me than just a quick impractical car. To me it says if you have this now just think of what you will be able to do in the future. And it is really really quick. I can't wait to show it off to the guys at work.

I forgot one thing. Comfort. Sure the SUV is not particularly uncomfortable, but the car hugs you like an old friend in the corners and doesn't smell like an old musty truck.

"Are you still trying to win? You have an overdeveloped sense of vengeance."

Opening Day

    Today is a great day. Opening day is the starting line of the greatest sport in the world. Baseball is fantastic. They play a bazillion games every season, but the first one is the most important. If you lose the opener then you can't sell any beer. I love baseball. It makes opening day even better when your team beats a tough opponent. It gets everything started on the right foot. Tigers over Boston on a walk-off single.
    Yesterday was pretty great too. The new Viper was revealed at the New York auto show. I like it. You can read about it here. It is pretty nice apparently. As they say in the article, the cow peelings are soft and sumptuous. Cow peelings. I was going to post a picture, but you can all follow the link. I am going to bed.

"I'm sorry Inigo, I did not mean to jog him so hard."

Coming Along

    I want to meet Bill Nye. I think he would be very fascinating to talk to. We would also have a degree in mechanical engineering in common. I didn't come here to tell you that.

    I saw a dead bird on my run today. Right next to the bird was a baseball cap. What a dumb bird wearing a baseball cap while it is flying near a road. I killed a bug with my elbow on my way home. That is debatable actually. Some might say that I killed a bug with my SUV. Regardless, the bug died. I had my arm on the window sill like I usually do when it is nice out and I felt something hit my elbow. A while later I pulled my arm in and noticed a green splat.
    My training is starting to show results. I am finally getting up to distances where I get a second wind. That is such a great feeling. I have been getting it around the 4.5 mile mark, just when I think I should be about spent I find myself speeding up. On the one route I take, this even means picking up the pace as I get to an uphill section. Just a few weeks ago I could barely run three miles. Today I hit eight minute pace for over five and a half miles. A few more weeks and I will be ready to meet some real competition.
   You know what show I actually really like? Only In America With Larry the Cable Guy. It is informative, funny, and surprisingly entertaining. The guy can be dumb as a rock, but when he wants to he can recite some very intelligent lines. It is one of the more palatable shows on History. And that is the shock of the year.

Coupon Suzy freaks me out.

"Are there any rocks ahead?"
"If there are, we'll all be dead!"

Lazy Days

    Today was a long day at work. I was somehow busy and bored at the same time all day long. I was about falling asleep driving home and now all I want to do is sit or go take a nap. Running is about the last thing I feel like doing, but I know I should. What will prolly end up happening is I will manage to procrastinate long enough that I get hungry then I will eat and use that as an excuse to not run. Writing this post should get me a good start on the procrastinating. I could also pay some bills. My twelve dollar electric bill is due in two days. This has got to be the most exciting blog post that has been written in the history of time. Did I tell you what I saw yesterday? It was the weirdest thing I have seen in a while. Are you ready for this? I saw a furry horse. I cuss you not. It looked like any other horse only wearing a form-fitting brown bath mat. I pointed and laughed at it as I went by. Pretty sure it felt foolish after that.
    I need to see this Hunger Games movie sometime. People seem to think it is good. I was going to read the books first, but that would likely ruin the movie. I can't believe it. A furry horse is really going to be the highlight of this post. I apologize for this travesty, I will try to do something worth talking about tomorrow. I am not going running.

"Why won't my arms move?"
"You've been mostly dead all day."

Hope

There might be hope yet for this town. Sunday morning I saw not one, but two fit ladies out running. The downside to this ray of light in a dark place is that they were numbers one and two all time. Gotta start somewhere I suppose. I did discover Springfield has a running club that meets every Saturday morning. I need to get out for that sometime. It would be nice to find some like-minded people in this town. I ran 5.6 without stopping today on a route that has some pretty serious hills, so I am feeling good. Need to find a race to get into and see what I can really do.

I have heard some grumbling the past few days about not getting a day off for Easter. Well I do get a day off, but I like to think that I get Friday off because it is Good Friday. It is one of the most important days of the year for two simple reasons. Jesus had to die to rise, but He didn't have to die. I think that second fact can be lost in the shuffle for some people. Don't be one of those people! Celebrate for the right reasons then put yourself in a sugar coma.

"You were this colossus. You were this great legendary thing, and yet he gains."

Palm Sunday

    Its Palm Sunday. You know what that means? Only 4 more days until I get my car! And it also means that we should prolly start getting excited for that whole Easter thing. Its a big deal. Candy up people. Just kidding. Palm Sunday is the time to realize that you better stop slacking on your Lent goals because you have one week to do enough penance to deserve someone dying for you. No pressure. Well better get to it, times a-wasting. Fast and pray. In other news, Palm Sunday mass is about three years long. I love the 1.5 mass feel with the two gospels. A lot of parishes do an outdoor procession too, that is a nice touch. Gets the parish out into the neighborhood a little bit.

"You just shook your head! Doesn't that make you happy?"

USAF Museum

    I got a rare treat this weekend. I got to go to the USAF Museum on Wright-Patterson Air Force Base. This is actually not a rare feat at all. The darn thing is free to get into. It is a little tough to find though. The way my phone took me sent me half way around the base (which is huge) on a road that only has a 35mph speed limit. This served to build anticipation. The museum is very cool. They have it divided up into sections by era, so if you only want to see one time period you just have to go to that hangar. Or you can make a marathon out of it and see the whole shebang. I went with the marathon shebang. I highly recommend going yourself sometime, but I will relate some of the things I can remember here. Some of the designs of early aircraft were pretty wild. They put together any combination of engine and fuselage design they thought might work better than previous iterations. Airplane design has really progressed right along with engine advancements. The Wright bros were pretty awesome, but a big reason they were able to fly was the development of a small gasoline engine.
    One thing that was very cool to see was the stuff that is currently in service. They have an F-22 Raptor the latest and greatest air superiority fighter. They also have a Global Hawk, an unmanned recon drone. Some of the most impressive planes in the collection are the bombers. Several of these planes are so big that two or three smaller planes are displayed under the wings. Speaking of bombers and wings, they have a B-2 stealth bomber on display. It is an actual fuselage, but it has never flown. It was used in testing wing loads. One of its wings was broken off during testing, so it was no longer fight capable. It was donated to the museum, where the wing was reattached using steel plates. You can barely tell the difference... The highlight of the afternoon was getting to see my personal favorite plane and the best plane in the world. The Lockheed Martin SR-71 Blackbird.

    Record holder for fastest and highest fixed-wing jet. Cussing awesome.

    One bummer of the day was not knowing that there is another two galleries on the controlled access portion of the base. These two areas house the presidential aircraft section and the R&D section. There is a good reason why these planes are not out for just anyone to see. These are the priceless, one-of-a-kind examples of cutting edge aircraft. These include the only surviving North American XB-70 Valkyrie (the other one crashed during a publicity display. not good for business) and one of two surviving X-15 rocket planes. I am going to have to go back and see these areas. Too awesome to pass up.

"Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!"

Education

    AdSense seems to think I am not as educated as I should be. Just about all the advertisements on my blog are for online universities. I am a little bit offended. I'm not sure what they are trying to say about the content of my writings, but I am struggling to find anything good. Is the quality of the writing so poor that they think I am in need of some serious schooling? Do I write so much that they are making the assumption that I am unemployed and a quick new degree would help me in the job market? I don't know. This type of ad is pretty useless to most of the people who read this blog too, as everyone I know who reads it is either in college, graduated from college, or sold their soul to education and are now in grad school. Poor fools. They should bring the healthy weight gain ads back. At least those were funny. Or maybe ads for cheap housing, or food pantries for when these people finally get out of school and are up to their eyeballs in debt. I am just trying to help out, AdSense. Relevant advertisement helps us both. Honestly, if it was me, I would just advertise alcohol all the time. Universally appealing. Fun for all ages.

P.S. This is the second post I have written at work today.


"Get back witch!"
"I'm not a witch, I'm your wife, but after what you just said I'm not sure I even want to be that anymore!"
"You never had it so good."

Casual Friday

    I love wearing jeans and tennis shoes to work. There is just something about comfortable clothes that makes the day seem better, brighter. Flexible shoes make me light on my feet. Most days I trudge up and down the stairs, but on tennis shoe days I run up and bounce down. I have a pronounced spring in my step. I am not more productive, but we are not that busy anyway so it doesn't matter. I think the feeling has something to do with where else I could wear such clothing. My usual tucked in shirt and nice pants with brown shoes would seem out of place around town, but in my casual get-up I would fit in just about anywhere. Except a formal dinner party or a military function. Conceivably I could wear this stuff every day. My workplace does not have a strict dress code. I like to wear the more business-like attire during the rest of the week though. It makes me feel like I got a real professional job. Deep down I also hope other people are noticing my attention to appearance and it will lead to a faster trip up the ladder. Look at me! I look nice! Pay me more money!
   Why do headphone wires always tangle? I put them away with the utmost care, but it never fails that when I get them out they are wound together. Makin me angry. It defies the natural laws that are supposed to govern the universe. Maybe soon they will invent something that just beams the sounds directly into your noggin bypassing headphones altogether. Blog post done, I need to file a patent. Peace!

"Inigo, I saw the prince's stable, and there they were, four white horses. And I thought, there are four of us, if we ever find the lady. Hello, lady!"

Constant Gaming

    Sony has a new marketing campaign out for a handheld gaming device that can sync with the console connected to your television and allow for non-stop gaming when you are required to leave the house. I think this is ridiculous. The ad uses the example of having to go to work, but you want to keep playing. It shows a grown man playing a baseball game, then switching to his handheld and continuing playing as he makes his way to work. I have a few issues with this scenario. First: people who play sports games are not the types who can't walk away when they have something of actual importance to do. Second: people need to be playing a game as much as they possibly can play games like Warcraft, not baseball games. Third: people who are addicted to gaming don't have apartments, they live in their grandmother's basement and have dark blankets covering the windows so that they don't know whether it is day or night let alone what time it is. Fourth: People addicted to gaming don't have jobs to go to, so this new device is pointless.
    I have heard that Sony and Microsoft are planning new systems to be released as early as the end of this year. Or was it the end of 2013...I wasn't reading all that closely. One feature of Sony's new system is that it will restrict the playability of used games. Spell check is telling me playability is not a real word. Spell check is going to have to just deal with it. Anyway, this rumor has many people up in arms, because it is basically a company being overtly greedy. Consumers don't like that. I personally prefer the corporate greed of the producers of my goods to be completely under the radar. Luckily for me, I am far from exhausting the playability of the single five dollar game I own.

"I would as soon destroy a stained glass window as an artist such as yourself, but since I can't have you following me..."

Training Hard

    I stepped up my running today. I have been stuck at four miles and that is not going to cut it. Today I went five and a half miles. The route was not an easy one either. There are some big hills around here. When I say big, I mean big for running up. It was also really windy today. Try running up a half mile long hill into a stiff breeze while running a mile and a half farther than you have in a long time. Its not a picnic. I think I am about half way to being in shape. I have a lot of time to think while I am out running, so I came up with a pretty exact definition of how in shape I want to be. Here it goes. I want to be able to run six miles without any drama. I want to be able to run eight or ten miles without too much trouble if the mood takes me. And I want to be able to kick some cuss in a 5K. I mean seriously haul. Like sub-twenties. To do that I need to start running more than once every three days. I have gone 9.5 miles in the past two days, so that is good. I am going to try and find a race to get into this spring for a little extra motivation.

    It must be a sporty type of day. I just thought of another article I saw last week that made me stop and wonder. The article was about the Yoga World Championships. Doesn't that seem a little counter-intuitive? Isn't yoga about peace and all that horse-hockey? I don't know, I just thought that was worth sharing.

Check this out. And I hear that the "get the curves you deserve" ad is even better when you go to the site. ;)

"The Cliffs of Insanity!"

Sports Today

    The world of sports is heading down the toilet. "What?!?" You may ask. "But the Final Four is this weekend and baseball starts in a week!" Yes, I know. Those are both exciting and noteworthy events, but there is a bigger even dragging sports down. I am referring, of course, to the Olympic rule changes regarding what is considered an acceptable uniform for beach volleyball. Check it out. I am not making this up, though Yahoo! may be. I don't think they do any fact checking. "Shorts of a maximum length of [1.18 inches] above the knee, and sleeved or sleeveless tops, will now be allowed" Sleeves!!! I might as well gouge my eyes out or watch soccer (equivalents) if they are allowed to wear sleeves playing beach volleyball! "It's an attempt to broaden the diversity in the sport, which tends to be dominated by athletes from Europe, Brazil and the United States. Allowing shorts and shirts can encourage participation from countries with more modest cultural beliefs." Europe, Brazil, and the U.S. have the best looking participants. Well...Brazil anyway. Half of the U.S. team is hot. I think Misty May is the good looking one. Kerry Walsh is just really good at volleyball. On the flip side, I do look forward to judges getting out their 1.18 inch rulers to check if shorts qualify.

    It is incredibly sad how dumb professional basketball players are with money. I have read two articles recently about pro ballers with long careers who are now penniless due to their tiny brains. One of them is Dennis Rodman though, and I thought he would be dead by now (he is 51, isn't that crazy?) so I guess there really isn't any surprise there. I can't remember the name of the other guy. He played for the Celtics a while back and looked out of shape then. He is trying to get back into the league, but he doesn't put in the time or the effort. These people should not be payed half of what they are making. The money is just squandered anyway.

"Yes, you're very smart. Now shut up."

Weight Gain

    Well this one prolly won't garner me too many fans. I am having a difficult time gaining weight. For a while there I was sitting in the mid 140s. I have been eating a ton and drinking more beer (a secret of sumo wrestlers) and I am only up to 161. For the past two weeks, every time I weigh myself, I am within three pounds. I use the scale in the factory, so I know it has to be pretty accurate. I think a big obstacle for me is the type of weight I am trying to gain. The idea is not to get fat, but to get big. I am running, lifting, eating a ton, and drinking protein shakes. I know some people say that you don't need as much protein as those drinks have, but after a hard workout you feel a lot better with a nutrient rich beverage. I could eat more, except there are some days already that I am about at my intake maximum. I need to figure something out. I think another big issue I have is that a little bit of exercise wakes up the calorie furnace that is my metabolism and it pretty much doesn't matter how much I eat, none of it is going to stick. Its a curse really. On top of that, after my run today, one of my toenails was bleeding through my sock. Ha! Weren't expecting to read that today were you! Hahaha! I'm sorry. Real runners will tell you this stuff happens. I think its pretty gross. Oh well.

P.S. We're in the money now folks. Keep coming back.

"You have six fingers on your right hand. Someone was looking for you."

Writers Block

    It pains me that there is never anything to write about in the news. Don't get me wrong, there are tons of news stories every day. The problem is that I get angry about just about every topic the news media deems worthy of press time. Politics annoy me to no end. The stupid stuff the people we have in office try to pull and do get away with makes me sick. What makes everything worse is that politicians weasel their way into most of the other stories too. Article about health care? Someone has to bring up how congress is exempt (complete bull-cuss by the way) Congress is a bunch of self-entitling elitists. And I am not making any party distinctions. They are all that way. I wish I was a member of congress. I would be set for life. But I digress. Another stupid political side-note came courtesy of Obummer. Barry decided to choose a side in a Florida shooting before it had been fully fleshed out and, in my opinion, he is looking pretty dumb because of it.
    See what I mean? So angry! Stupid people doing stupid things and the stupid population wanting to hear more about all of the stupid details. I hate the crap in the news. I need to eat dinner. Enjoy the epic elephant journey.

"Chocolate helps it go down easier."

Proving My Point

    I think Toyota saw my post bashing the Prius ad and they decided to try to do one better. Their marketing department must be smoking large amounts of crack. The latest abomination "advertising" a Toyota hybrid car depicts a group of people playing a prius-centric version of the game of life. This group is entirely composed of people I believe, based on their actions in the commercial, I would enjoy seeing experiencing pain. They are all horribly annoying. I hate those cars.
    Has anyone seen the Stella commercial? I didn't even get into the total goof stick sitting at the bar. Are we supposed to want to be him? I would rather be the animated bear with toilet paper flakes on his butt than the guy at the bar in the Stella commercial. I would rather be the animated bear with toilet paper flakes on his butt at a bar than the little flower boy they have asking for a Stella. Stella is for ladies and for wimps. Anyone who gives a crap what the container the beer comes in is called is not a real beer drinker.

"I do not envy you the headache you will have when you wake up. Until then, sleep well and dream of large women."

Ill

    The title looks like the Roman numeral 3. I am willing to bet that the font will change when I publish the post and this entire opening will make no sense. Anyway, I still have a cough. It is getting worse. Well the actual cough is getting a little better, but the contingent symptoms are getting worse. I am pretty sure I pulled a muscle in my side. So on the up-side, I don't lay in bed coughing when I am trying to fall asleep anymore and on the down-side, it hurts whenever I cough day or night. I think it is abating. Yeah, keep telling myself that.

    I don't know if I am really slacking at my job or if we are just really slow at the moment, but I don't do much. I am really hoping it is the slow option. Two reasons for that. I don't want to be a lousy employee (actually, I want to be the best so they pay me more) and I would like to have a little more to do when I am at work. It is not a good sign when I have run out of Yahoo! articles to scoff at by the time eleven rolls around.

    My bracket is pretty much shot after this weekend. I made some dumb picks. On the bright side, I like most of the teams that won more than I like the teams I picked to win. I think it will be an exciting Final Four. Maybe next weekend I will do more than go to church and sit on the couch Sunday since there will not be any games on. Does that seem weird to anyone else? Why do they wait until Monday to play the final? I mean sure they are basketball players, so they don't have any real classes anyway, but shouldn't they be in school on a Monday? Maybe I am just jealous that they are still in college at all...ha, yeah right. I get paid this week and I am going to make as much in this one check as I did in a semester working at a dining hall. It is going to be a good week. Happy Monday everyone.