Too Much Sun

    Does it count as drunk driving if the person doing the steering and working the pedals is sober but the one doing the shifting has had a few more than one? I am going to say no.

    I played my first round of golf over the weekend. A complete 15 holes. That was all my team mate and I could take. The day started out well enough. Ten guys hitting the links for the start of a bachelor party. Then we got to the first tee. I am not horrible. I hit a few decent shots. Sadly, my best drive we could not find, even though it clearly landed on the fairway. Others we could not find because they landed two holes over across a pond. I had some decent putts. I don't think any of the greens were particularly difficult either. I had at least two rim out. That has to be the most demoralizing thing in the world. You do all that work. Hit the ball as best you can over and over. Then, right when victory is within your grasp, you miss by a half inch and have to take that ten because everyone is yelling at you to stop holding up the group. That didn't actually happen. We were playing best shot, and we are really good at cheating, so the worst we got on any hole was an 8 and we didn't even play those two. Seriously, that is when it became not worth it and we spent the next two holes driving around drinking more beer. Busch classic. That is not what it is actually called, but it wasn't Busch light. Doesn't everyone just make something plausible up when they don't really know what they are talking about? Well they should. On one hole, the rule was you had to use a seven iron on every shot (there was a rule for each hole). On the seven iron hole, I teed off using a crushed Coors Light can. It was my second best shot of the day.

   I got a great sun burn on the course. I wore a polo with a sleeveless athletic shirt underneath. It was too hot on the back nine, so I took the polo off and proceeded to make it look like I had a white shirt on all the time. Luckily we went to the pool Monday afternoon during the hottest part of the day and I burned the heck out of the rest of me, so it just looks like I am an Indian. That's not racist. I think this is the end of this post.

"If you don't have anything nice to say, say it under your breath."

A Regular

    Something out of the ordinary in my pathetically mundane life occurred yesterday. I got a visit from a family member. My big bro Adam stopped in on his way back to St. Louie. Truth be told, he stopped in at just about every town in Ohio. The main reason for the stop was to give his Jeep a rest. It gets tired. He had to stop in Paris and Brazil. We went to the only bar I have found that is worth going to for dinner. On the way there we were talking about being a regular at a place. I was saying that I was not a regular, but was sort of trying to move in that direction. When we were there, Adam asked the girl behind the bar what the specials were that day. She apologized and said she just assumed I already knew. I may not be a regular, but I am apparently a familiar face. Not sure if that is a good thing or not.

    I heard another fantastic instance of parenting from across the parking lot today. The super fat lady was getting out of the car with her two small children when her husband (I am assuming, poor man) came out and helped carry stuff in. This was said by the large one to the husband about the little girl: "She is being an eyehole." I am paraphrasing. This lady needs to stop wearing tank tops. Not only is she enormous, she wears skin hugging clothing. Must be a really lousy way to live. Huge and angry. I prolly need to move before I say something insulting and she sits on me.

"More like an involuntary vow of poverty."

Big Questions

    Is the relaxed state of eyelids open or closed? I always thought it was closed. After all, you are not thinking about keeping your eyes closed when you are asleep, but they stay that way. On the other hand, I hardly ever have to really concentrate on keeping my eyes open when I am awake either. I just open them and they kind of stay there. Sometimes it feels really nice to close my eyes, almost like it is a load off of some muscle that has been straining. Just now I was laying on the ground barely using any muscles at all (trying to relax all of them actually) and my eyes were still open. My vision was starting to blur because the muscles in my eyes were not trying very hard, but my eyes were not closing. When I closed them, it seemed like more of a strain. This is truly a paradox.

    Bob asked me if I lost my razor this morning. In his words, the guys on the floor are supposed to look disheveled, but me, as a high ranking company official, should look presentable at all times. It is news to me that I am high ranking or official. I am not sure if he also noticed that I forgot to put a belt on this morning when I was getting dressed. I won’t tell you what else Bob told me. It had something to do with women being allowed to vote and how back when only men made decisions they would just shoot the people who were dragging their feet and a lot more things got done. He was being mostly serious.

    I have discovered my new favorite spicy sauce. It is a chili garlic sauce and it is hot as heck. Really tasty though. It goes magnificently with Kraft mac n cheese with a Bud Lime to drink. It really clears out the sinuses too. It is about half chili seeds and the rest is just mashed up garlic and peppers I am pretty sure. I really have no idea what is in this stuff. It could be little seed shaped pieces of wood and artificial red spicy paste for all I know.



“So you put down your rock and I put down my sword and we try to kill each other like civilized people?”

The Big One Oh Oh

    This is my one hundredth post. To any of you who have read them all, I am sorry.


    Gas prices are the biggest sham in the modern world. I do not believe for one second that they are driven by anything other than blind greed. Last week the price of gas at one filling station I drive by was 3.78 one day, 3.54 the next, and 3.81 the day after that. I would just love to hear the explanation on that one.
Questioner: "So mister gas price analysis expert, what's up with the huge swing south followed immediately by a conveniently bigger swing north?"
Gas Price Analysis Expert: "Well, uh, gas prices were just about to plummet with increasing supply and decreasing demand, but uh, well um...someone sneezed. Yeah, that's it, they sneezed on the control panel and the WHOLE plant had to shut down for five minutes while they cleaned the control panel. No one wants to get a cold right? Well that short down time had one of those things, like, you know like a butterfly affect. I think I heard that was a real thing in a movie one time. Well that butterfly really messed up everything so now prices are back up. Don't expect them to drop any time soon ether. That butterfly was a nasty bugger."
Questioner: "Riggghhhhtttttttt..."

    That is how I imagine someone has justified it. I am going to buy a solar powered scooter.

"She's got things that belong to me too! If you think you're alone in this you're crazy."

Worst Announcers In The World

    I can not stand when the Tigers play the White Sox. It means that when I watch the recap I will have to listen to the moronic ramblings of the south-side dimwit they have calling their games. He has the worst catch phrases I have ever heard. And I know a bad catch phrase when I hear it. I have been listening to Rod Allen for years after all. The difference between Rod and this guy is that Rod uses complete sentences and doesn't sound like a coked out fanatic when he talks. This is the thing I forgot earlier in case you were wondering. If I was a Pale Hose fan, I would be calling for this guys resignation. If they Chicago fans do in fact enjoy listening to this person, then there is no hope for that city. This is my new favorite website http://www.heavethehawk.com/index.php If only every one of my rants had a website dedicated to it. "This website is dedicated to the removal of White Sox television broadcaster Ken "Hawk" Harrelson. Mr. Harrelson's unique blend of non-standard English and ego-maniacal blather has made the mute button a must for Sox T.V. viewers during the last three decades." Those poor people.

Too Much

    I am pretty grossed out by the new graphic anti smoking ads. Sure they might be a good deterrent to people starting smoking or a wake-up call for people who have not had the resolve to quit, but I do not need to see that stuff. I already think smoking and the people who do it are vile. Maybe vile is a little strong. However, there is not doubt I wish horrible things on the people who smoke outside my window and make my whole apartment smell like cigarettes five times a night. I like to slam my window shut when I know they are out there. I should get a smoke grenade and a gas mask and when they are out smoking I can toss the grenade down and when they look up I will just ask how it feels as I put on the mask while laughing my head off. That would be a good resolution to the problem. All I would have to do after that is move. But seriously, how does anyone think smoking is a good idea? I've done it. It is not pleasant. Let's set something on fire and inhale the smoke and fumes it produces. Don't worry about the fact that you have no idea what lethal chemicals may be present in said fumes. People are so dumb. I swear, as soon as I get enough money to move to my deserted island, I am out of here.

    I had something else I was going to write about, but I don't recall what it was. Smokers make me so angry I forget good blog topics. Their existence is now impacting your entertainment. I would not care if it wasn't for the whole second hand smoke thing. If you want to die of lung cancer that is your deal, but when your actions negatively impact my life then I want to punch you in the throat. Lethal is a fun word. Lethal.

    And of course the Tigers are the MLB.tv free game of the day and they are playing at 2:10. This is so typical I could spit.

"Well, you're not wrong."

Owned

    I just paid off my Best Buy credit card. I now own my television. In fact, I am the undisputed owner of everything in my living room. All three things. Except The Hunger Games. That is borrowed.
    I finished those books this weekend. The first two are good, the third, not so much. I feel like the scope of the story grew beyond the writing abilities of the author. Which is very sad because she really had something going there and it just didn't live up to its own build up. I am not saying it is a bad story. I did enjoy reading it, but it could have been better. I am willing to bet this is one time I will like the movie better than the book. I am pretty bummed about the whole thing actually. What a terrible waste of a story. Just stop after the first two books and make up a decent ending for yourself.
    I got glasses for the first time in years this week. They are nice when my contacts are bothering me, but they are not a full time thing. I almost knocked myself out getting into my car the first time I wore them because I am not used to only being able to see clearly in the center of my vision. My head still hurts and this was Friday. The lenses do weird things to my vision. I think it is because they are cheap impact resistant lenses and not any fancy material. When I look at things through the sides of the lenses, the colors are separated. Like if I look at something orange on my screen, there is a yellow line down one side and a red line down the other. It is not just things on a screen either. Pretty interesting. Unlike how this blog post is getting. Read the Hunger Games, they are not so bad. I just had a favorite character and didn't like what happened to them. I'll get over it.

"There's only one God ma'am. And I'm pretty sure he doesn't dress like that."

Gear Grinding

    A new lady started at work this week. Her name is Lucinda Rice. Me and Adam (another of the project managers) had a discussion about that name. Before we had any idea who this person was, we decided that she was most likely an old black lady. Don't even try to pretend that you don't think that sounds like a name an old black lady would have. Turns out she is not black and she is not old. We did not take into account the fact that she would go by Lucy. I hope she never finds out that we have discussions like this. It reminds me of the times Katie and I would play hot-or-not over instant message about people who were in the room. Its awkward when they find out.

    Remember when people posted things on Facebook that were fun? I barely do. Facebook status updates used to be about cool things like "Party at the lake this weekend! 'Bout to get my drink on!" These days every status is something like "Go Obama! I wish he was my dad!" (wake up people, its an election year. everything he does is to appease the most people and try to get reelected.) or "Two thirds of North Carolina is dumb." It is really annoying. I realized today that I have actually started to avoid Facebook. It sucks. I don't care about your political views or if you support someone or think everyone is morons. Just can it!

    Has anyone seen this video of the girl tripping during the steeplechase and flipping into the water? Its hilarious. Normally I would leave you with that, but I went for a run yesterday and had nothing better to do than think, so I came up with this tidbit. The girl said she had no recollection of the moment it happened. As far as her memory goes, she was running up to the obstacle, then she was coming up out of the water. I find this very interesting. You hear about this sort of thing happening quite a bit. Something intense and unexpected happens and the person involved barely remembers any of it. My hypothesis is this: during these moments, i.e. flipping into a pool of water when you are supposed to be running a race, the brain is firing so fast in so many directions trying to asses and rectify the situation that it has zero capability left over to file thoughts away as memories. This is my take on it and I bet I am right. If you don't believe me, I will shove you down a flight of stairs while you are not paying attention and see how much you remember.

"Please tell me nobody kissed me."

Break Is Over

    Don't worry, I didn't give up yet. I just had some stuff going on the last few days and have not had time to write a post. That should mean that this one will be decent, but I doubt it.

    Let's get a strong start. So the weather is really out doing itself these days. I only had to plan on washing my car and it starts pouring. So I went to the grocery store instead. On the way home I stopped at the car wash because it is the only covered place I could think of and did some cleaning and protecting of the inside of my car. There is not a single interior surface of that thing that is not slippery. Other than the ones that would be obviously dangerous if they were hard to hold onto. You know, like the steering wheel. I only did part of that. So if it starts to slip, I will eventually get to a not slippery spot. My hands feel funny now. Maybe I used too much leather protectant. Protectant is a word right? Blogger doesn't seem to think so.

    Anyone see The Avengers over the weekend? Best movie ever right? I have spent some serious time on this and I can not come up with a single thing that I didn't like about that movie. Isn't that crazy? There is action, and humor, and bromance, and action, and the best Hulk ever (I'm young and biased against the past, get over it.) What's that? I was the only one crushing on every main character? I don't believe you. I am going to see it again this weekend. Maybe twice. I hear tell of multiple scenes after the credits and I don't know if I stayed for all of them. I barely remember any of the movie to be honest. I was so geeked out I lost my ability to retain information.

    I went to the Kentucky Derby over the weekend. If you are ever thinking of going and can only afford to go to the infield...don't. Instead, go to a nice derby party, have some cheap drinks, and actually enjoy yourself. That way you will be able to watch some horse racing too. If you go to the infield, you will spend a whole load of money to get bumped into by thousands of sweaty drunks who are most likely about to puke any second. You will also only realize they are holding races if you happen to look up at the video screen at the right moment. I literally saw two seconds of live horse racing. One thing that was pretty cool about the afternoon was when a particularly loud group of gentleman started singing the national anthem and everyone around joined in. I had a great time.

"He's adopted."

Parenting Award

    A few minutes ago I was out washing my wheels in the rain (cause you know, that's the sort of thing I do) and I heard one of my lovely neighbors across the way swear quite loudly and obscenely. I would tell you what it was, but you are not old enough to hear it. Incidentally, I do not believe either of the children who live at this residence are old enough either. Not sure if the searing words were aimed at a child, but I am sure they heard it loud and clear. I guess that is how you act when you are the cream of society like these people clearly are. My goodness. Even in the rain someone can manage to make my apartment smell like crap. Smokers need to just cut it out. If your life is so stressful that you need to light something on fire and suck on it for a while, you need to reevaluate yourself and then go do that disgusting habit someone far from me.
   
    On a more enjoyable note; I was blessed with my first rain run in a very long time this afternoon. I was a little worried because the rain we have been having lately has not been gentle. Even as we speak (if either of us are speaking at this moment) it is pouring. While I was out there though, it was just a light sprinkle. Enough so you knew it was raining, but not so much that you wanted hide under a tree. It was definitely not as fun as rain runs were in high school when there were twenty other guys running that you could stomp in puddles and have get mad because you got them wet even though it was raining. Sissies.

   Tigers pitching needs to step it up. Starting right now.

"Avengers comes out in three days, get excited. This is not a real quote. Hope you are not too put out."