Education

    AdSense seems to think I am not as educated as I should be. Just about all the advertisements on my blog are for online universities. I am a little bit offended. I'm not sure what they are trying to say about the content of my writings, but I am struggling to find anything good. Is the quality of the writing so poor that they think I am in need of some serious schooling? Do I write so much that they are making the assumption that I am unemployed and a quick new degree would help me in the job market? I don't know. This type of ad is pretty useless to most of the people who read this blog too, as everyone I know who reads it is either in college, graduated from college, or sold their soul to education and are now in grad school. Poor fools. They should bring the healthy weight gain ads back. At least those were funny. Or maybe ads for cheap housing, or food pantries for when these people finally get out of school and are up to their eyeballs in debt. I am just trying to help out, AdSense. Relevant advertisement helps us both. Honestly, if it was me, I would just advertise alcohol all the time. Universally appealing. Fun for all ages.

P.S. This is the second post I have written at work today.


"Get back witch!"
"I'm not a witch, I'm your wife, but after what you just said I'm not sure I even want to be that anymore!"
"You never had it so good."

Casual Friday

    I love wearing jeans and tennis shoes to work. There is just something about comfortable clothes that makes the day seem better, brighter. Flexible shoes make me light on my feet. Most days I trudge up and down the stairs, but on tennis shoe days I run up and bounce down. I have a pronounced spring in my step. I am not more productive, but we are not that busy anyway so it doesn't matter. I think the feeling has something to do with where else I could wear such clothing. My usual tucked in shirt and nice pants with brown shoes would seem out of place around town, but in my casual get-up I would fit in just about anywhere. Except a formal dinner party or a military function. Conceivably I could wear this stuff every day. My workplace does not have a strict dress code. I like to wear the more business-like attire during the rest of the week though. It makes me feel like I got a real professional job. Deep down I also hope other people are noticing my attention to appearance and it will lead to a faster trip up the ladder. Look at me! I look nice! Pay me more money!
   Why do headphone wires always tangle? I put them away with the utmost care, but it never fails that when I get them out they are wound together. Makin me angry. It defies the natural laws that are supposed to govern the universe. Maybe soon they will invent something that just beams the sounds directly into your noggin bypassing headphones altogether. Blog post done, I need to file a patent. Peace!

"Inigo, I saw the prince's stable, and there they were, four white horses. And I thought, there are four of us, if we ever find the lady. Hello, lady!"

Constant Gaming

    Sony has a new marketing campaign out for a handheld gaming device that can sync with the console connected to your television and allow for non-stop gaming when you are required to leave the house. I think this is ridiculous. The ad uses the example of having to go to work, but you want to keep playing. It shows a grown man playing a baseball game, then switching to his handheld and continuing playing as he makes his way to work. I have a few issues with this scenario. First: people who play sports games are not the types who can't walk away when they have something of actual importance to do. Second: people need to be playing a game as much as they possibly can play games like Warcraft, not baseball games. Third: people who are addicted to gaming don't have apartments, they live in their grandmother's basement and have dark blankets covering the windows so that they don't know whether it is day or night let alone what time it is. Fourth: People addicted to gaming don't have jobs to go to, so this new device is pointless.
    I have heard that Sony and Microsoft are planning new systems to be released as early as the end of this year. Or was it the end of 2013...I wasn't reading all that closely. One feature of Sony's new system is that it will restrict the playability of used games. Spell check is telling me playability is not a real word. Spell check is going to have to just deal with it. Anyway, this rumor has many people up in arms, because it is basically a company being overtly greedy. Consumers don't like that. I personally prefer the corporate greed of the producers of my goods to be completely under the radar. Luckily for me, I am far from exhausting the playability of the single five dollar game I own.

"I would as soon destroy a stained glass window as an artist such as yourself, but since I can't have you following me..."

Training Hard

    I stepped up my running today. I have been stuck at four miles and that is not going to cut it. Today I went five and a half miles. The route was not an easy one either. There are some big hills around here. When I say big, I mean big for running up. It was also really windy today. Try running up a half mile long hill into a stiff breeze while running a mile and a half farther than you have in a long time. Its not a picnic. I think I am about half way to being in shape. I have a lot of time to think while I am out running, so I came up with a pretty exact definition of how in shape I want to be. Here it goes. I want to be able to run six miles without any drama. I want to be able to run eight or ten miles without too much trouble if the mood takes me. And I want to be able to kick some cuss in a 5K. I mean seriously haul. Like sub-twenties. To do that I need to start running more than once every three days. I have gone 9.5 miles in the past two days, so that is good. I am going to try and find a race to get into this spring for a little extra motivation.

    It must be a sporty type of day. I just thought of another article I saw last week that made me stop and wonder. The article was about the Yoga World Championships. Doesn't that seem a little counter-intuitive? Isn't yoga about peace and all that horse-hockey? I don't know, I just thought that was worth sharing.

Check this out. And I hear that the "get the curves you deserve" ad is even better when you go to the site. ;)

"The Cliffs of Insanity!"

Sports Today

    The world of sports is heading down the toilet. "What?!?" You may ask. "But the Final Four is this weekend and baseball starts in a week!" Yes, I know. Those are both exciting and noteworthy events, but there is a bigger even dragging sports down. I am referring, of course, to the Olympic rule changes regarding what is considered an acceptable uniform for beach volleyball. Check it out. I am not making this up, though Yahoo! may be. I don't think they do any fact checking. "Shorts of a maximum length of [1.18 inches] above the knee, and sleeved or sleeveless tops, will now be allowed" Sleeves!!! I might as well gouge my eyes out or watch soccer (equivalents) if they are allowed to wear sleeves playing beach volleyball! "It's an attempt to broaden the diversity in the sport, which tends to be dominated by athletes from Europe, Brazil and the United States. Allowing shorts and shirts can encourage participation from countries with more modest cultural beliefs." Europe, Brazil, and the U.S. have the best looking participants. Well...Brazil anyway. Half of the U.S. team is hot. I think Misty May is the good looking one. Kerry Walsh is just really good at volleyball. On the flip side, I do look forward to judges getting out their 1.18 inch rulers to check if shorts qualify.

    It is incredibly sad how dumb professional basketball players are with money. I have read two articles recently about pro ballers with long careers who are now penniless due to their tiny brains. One of them is Dennis Rodman though, and I thought he would be dead by now (he is 51, isn't that crazy?) so I guess there really isn't any surprise there. I can't remember the name of the other guy. He played for the Celtics a while back and looked out of shape then. He is trying to get back into the league, but he doesn't put in the time or the effort. These people should not be payed half of what they are making. The money is just squandered anyway.

"Yes, you're very smart. Now shut up."

Weight Gain

    Well this one prolly won't garner me too many fans. I am having a difficult time gaining weight. For a while there I was sitting in the mid 140s. I have been eating a ton and drinking more beer (a secret of sumo wrestlers) and I am only up to 161. For the past two weeks, every time I weigh myself, I am within three pounds. I use the scale in the factory, so I know it has to be pretty accurate. I think a big obstacle for me is the type of weight I am trying to gain. The idea is not to get fat, but to get big. I am running, lifting, eating a ton, and drinking protein shakes. I know some people say that you don't need as much protein as those drinks have, but after a hard workout you feel a lot better with a nutrient rich beverage. I could eat more, except there are some days already that I am about at my intake maximum. I need to figure something out. I think another big issue I have is that a little bit of exercise wakes up the calorie furnace that is my metabolism and it pretty much doesn't matter how much I eat, none of it is going to stick. Its a curse really. On top of that, after my run today, one of my toenails was bleeding through my sock. Ha! Weren't expecting to read that today were you! Hahaha! I'm sorry. Real runners will tell you this stuff happens. I think its pretty gross. Oh well.

P.S. We're in the money now folks. Keep coming back.

"You have six fingers on your right hand. Someone was looking for you."

Writers Block

    It pains me that there is never anything to write about in the news. Don't get me wrong, there are tons of news stories every day. The problem is that I get angry about just about every topic the news media deems worthy of press time. Politics annoy me to no end. The stupid stuff the people we have in office try to pull and do get away with makes me sick. What makes everything worse is that politicians weasel their way into most of the other stories too. Article about health care? Someone has to bring up how congress is exempt (complete bull-cuss by the way) Congress is a bunch of self-entitling elitists. And I am not making any party distinctions. They are all that way. I wish I was a member of congress. I would be set for life. But I digress. Another stupid political side-note came courtesy of Obummer. Barry decided to choose a side in a Florida shooting before it had been fully fleshed out and, in my opinion, he is looking pretty dumb because of it.
    See what I mean? So angry! Stupid people doing stupid things and the stupid population wanting to hear more about all of the stupid details. I hate the crap in the news. I need to eat dinner. Enjoy the epic elephant journey.

"Chocolate helps it go down easier."

Proving My Point

    I think Toyota saw my post bashing the Prius ad and they decided to try to do one better. Their marketing department must be smoking large amounts of crack. The latest abomination "advertising" a Toyota hybrid car depicts a group of people playing a prius-centric version of the game of life. This group is entirely composed of people I believe, based on their actions in the commercial, I would enjoy seeing experiencing pain. They are all horribly annoying. I hate those cars.
    Has anyone seen the Stella commercial? I didn't even get into the total goof stick sitting at the bar. Are we supposed to want to be him? I would rather be the animated bear with toilet paper flakes on his butt than the guy at the bar in the Stella commercial. I would rather be the animated bear with toilet paper flakes on his butt at a bar than the little flower boy they have asking for a Stella. Stella is for ladies and for wimps. Anyone who gives a crap what the container the beer comes in is called is not a real beer drinker.

"I do not envy you the headache you will have when you wake up. Until then, sleep well and dream of large women."

Ill

    The title looks like the Roman numeral 3. I am willing to bet that the font will change when I publish the post and this entire opening will make no sense. Anyway, I still have a cough. It is getting worse. Well the actual cough is getting a little better, but the contingent symptoms are getting worse. I am pretty sure I pulled a muscle in my side. So on the up-side, I don't lay in bed coughing when I am trying to fall asleep anymore and on the down-side, it hurts whenever I cough day or night. I think it is abating. Yeah, keep telling myself that.

    I don't know if I am really slacking at my job or if we are just really slow at the moment, but I don't do much. I am really hoping it is the slow option. Two reasons for that. I don't want to be a lousy employee (actually, I want to be the best so they pay me more) and I would like to have a little more to do when I am at work. It is not a good sign when I have run out of Yahoo! articles to scoff at by the time eleven rolls around.

    My bracket is pretty much shot after this weekend. I made some dumb picks. On the bright side, I like most of the teams that won more than I like the teams I picked to win. I think it will be an exciting Final Four. Maybe next weekend I will do more than go to church and sit on the couch Sunday since there will not be any games on. Does that seem weird to anyone else? Why do they wait until Monday to play the final? I mean sure they are basketball players, so they don't have any real classes anyway, but shouldn't they be in school on a Monday? Maybe I am just jealous that they are still in college at all...ha, yeah right. I get paid this week and I am going to make as much in this one check as I did in a semester working at a dining hall. It is going to be a good week. Happy Monday everyone.

Did Someone Die?

    There is a sheriff’s car and an ambulance in the drive in front of my apartment right now. This could potentially be blog worthy. Ambulances are very loud even at idle. Prolly has something to do with all of the equipment running and the power that needs to be generated for that purpose. Eh, they just left, must have been nothing. Go back to your lives people, nothing to see here…and now the ambulance is back. This is several hours later, since I know you can’t really tell. Still no signs of activity. I always thought when an ambulance came there was action and people running frenetically everywhere. Not in this case though. The guy below me must keep hitting his life alert.

The Rare Mis Step

    Why would I pick Syracuse to win this game? What was I thinking? I will tell you what I was thinking: nothing. I picked my bracket so fast that most likely it didn't even register what I was doing. I mean it is not a done deal that Ohio State will win, but that is what I want to happen. Ohio State is one of the only teams I actually follow, so of course I want them to do well. One more in a series of boneheaded moves I suppose (though I can't think of any other boneheaded moves I have made recently, unless you count smoking a cigar while fighting a nagging cough.) I think I was thinking that they have not been playing as well this year, but they have had streaks of greatness and are still one of the best teams in the country. The worst case scenario is that I don't win a ginormous chocolate bunny. So Ohio State wins and I lose points in the pool, or Ohio State loses and I am one step closer to break-outs and stomach aches. Its a lose-lose.

I vacuumed today.

This is for Katelyn. She watched this video so many times that now she extends her h's when she talks. I couldn't find any better quality examples. Sorry.

The Crane Floor Guys

    You can never have too many blog posts in one day right? Right. Well I just remembered something amusing that happened today. The guys out on the crane floor are pretty cool. They are definitely dirty old men. Most of the stories they tell and the questions they ask me about my weekend activities are not suitable for posting. A typical example would be the day they spent probably over half an hour lamenting the fact that you are no longer allowed to drink and drive. This discourse was replete with stories about being pulled over with puke down both sides of the car and throwing rocks at houses then running several miles so the cops wouldn't find them. The anecdote from today was pretty much par for the course. One guy, Steve, was talking about some chick he saw in a band over the weekend. He goes..."This girl could sing, and she had a great ass." To which Bob replies in a perfectly serious tone "I prefer a woman with a great mind." Then he looks at me and says "See how dumb that sounds?" Time on the crane floor is my favorite time of the day.

More Madness

    Is anyone watching these basketball games? I think Roy Williams is about to blow a gasket. HAHAHA, I just heard someone in another apartment react to the last second shot by Ohio. I am really shocked that it is tied. Mostly because I stopped watching the Ohio UNC game because the score was so lopsided. Ugh, I finally smoked my cigar. It was pretty smooth, but I still smell like a cigar shop. Oh well, it was inevitable. I was glad to see that Baylor won. I know Xavier is the home-state team, but I have no clue where Baylor is and I picked them to beat Duke in that game. Watching this kid named Cooper play makes me wonder what happened to D. B. Cooper. He was a class act for an airplane hijacker. I think UNC is going to win. They have really been sharp in OT aside from one or two miscues. I hope they really do so I don't look like an idiot on my own blog. That would be embarrassing.

Drunk Halo

    Well this evening has certainly taken an entertaining turn. I was looking through the settings and menus on my Xbox and I came across my profile. I was a little distressed to see that 100% of people who had left a review of me choose to avoid me. I was distressed until I remembered it was a review on an online game. The reason  for the negative review was for being unsporting, which I translate into “the little beesting who left this review can’t handle playing games with people online because it is too much like real social interaction.” I mean really? Unsporting? How can you be unsporting in a game where the sole metric is how many times you have killed the other players? I don’t think you can. Man, it’s a good thing I was not planning on driving anywhere tonight.

    It is good to see that the teams that are supposed to win are winning tonight. I hate when the wrong teams win. I am not actually drunk, but sober Halo just sounded depressing.

Oops

    I realized this morning while getting into my car that the parking space I use most often is actually a handicapped space. The other people who live here must think I am a jerk. I'm not concerned though. I think bad things about them too. What really amazes me is that it took me well over two months to see this. There is no sign in front of the space, and the wheelchair-bound stick figure is pretty worn off, but it is still obviously there. Am I really that unobservant? I don't believe that.
    I also realized recently that the button for air conditioning in my truck has been pressed in since I got it. Apparently the AC doesn't work. This is not even a tiny bit surprising to me.

    Nothing happened at work today. I left early because there was nothing to do. I apologize for the meager blog post. Its all I have today.

Wheelchair-Bound Sitck Figure would be a good name for a band.

The Media

    I spend a lot of my down time at work perusing internet news media. I have to say I am pretty put out by what constitutes news these days. Practically all of the stories fall into three categories. 1) Celebrity BS, 2) Political BS, and 3) Articles that incite hatred. Actually those first two often contain traces of the third. I am sick of reading about how one small group did something to another small group and now we should all be pissed. Seriously, there would be so much less racism and discrimination of all kinds if every little example of it wasn't examined and inflated. The only hatred the media incites in me is hatred of the media. It really boils down to stupidity. Sex sells, but not as well as stupidity. That is the only thing that explains how Snooki makes it into the news. And the outlets think anyone still give a flying cuss about Paris Hilton! How sad are the people who make up the population of this country that these pathetic figures are worth the server space? Every political news story contains quotes out of context picked to make the speaker sound worse. Obviously the state of politics in this country is not great, but it is not helping anything that nothing positive is ever said. Not that there is much positive to say. I need to win the lottery quick so I can move to my private island.

    I have a bone to pick with a few advertisements too. I make it no secret that I think the Toyota Prius is a travesty against humanity. I think the Toyota Prius is a travesty. It will be extremely upsetting if talking about it in this blog results in Prius ads. Anyway, they have the dumbest slogan I have ever heard. No fooling. The slogan for their new model is "Prius V, the big one"...wow. I bet marketing got a bonus for that one.
   I would never drink Stella Artois. One, I have tried it and it is disgusting. And two, I don't like drinking beer that is full of itself. The commercials are not even about the beer! They are about the glass! Excuse me, the "chalice", those are sarcastic quotes if you couldn't tell. Pardon my language, but Stella, I don't give a cuss. Your commercials not only do not make me want to buy your product, they make me wish terrible things on your company and the pretentious ass-clowns who like you. I hope you choke on your bottled sewer water you audaciously call beer.

Silver Lining

    I have had a nagging cough for the past few days. It is really annoying. It seems to really act up every night when I am trying to go to sleep. It sucks a lot. But on the bright side my abs have been getting a constant workout. A little definition is worth sounding like I am on a direct path to my death. I still hope it goes away soon. I do core exercises regularly anyway. Ugh, terrible.

    I love Chinese food. Everything about it is good. I love how they fry everything. I love that salt is the main ingredient. I love that they stuff the boxes of rice so full that you can barely even open them. I seriously filled a bowl that was twice the size of the box full of rice and the box was almost half empty. It’s a Chinese food miracle. The only way that this stuff could be any better is if they used cheese. Now that I think about it though, that might not be so good. I feel like Chinese cheese would be on the funky side.

    It is too hot for March. I don’t like feeling gross sitting with the door to the deck open and a fan on. Its just wrong. Toledo experienced a record high by eight degrees Tuesday. The low of 60 was higher than the average high for this time of year. I am not saying want it to snow or anything, just be springy for a spell. Or they could open the beach at the reservoir. That would make it better. Except for that fact that only about 1% of the population of Springfield is attractive. Maybe some snow would be nice.

“I feel about as useless as a mom’s college degree.”

Bonus!

Two posts in one day to honor all of my reader’s hard work and dedication. You people are so lucky. Keep it up.

    I am never going to stop sweating. It is so hot. What is Spring thinking? It would help my case a little if I would stop doing things that require physical exertion. Running then crunches then push-ups then typing a blog post…my fingers haven’t sweat this much since the last time I had to hand write an essay. Another milestone that I am getting close to is fifty miles running this spring. That is a lot more than I have been running in entire years lately.

      Something interesting happened during my run today. I had my head down, thinking about something like I usually do, when I heard a car coming. I looked up at the last second to see a guy with his arm out the window and a big grin on his face driving by. I am hoping that he was just being friendly to a fellow runner. The alternative is that some goofy, shirtless, Matt Smola look-alike is driving around rural Springfield smiling at random people on the road.

There are no good band names in this post. 

In The Money

    I did it. The gas light didn’t even come on. 352 miles on a single tank of gas. The really incredible part of that story is that I had not filled up since Friday afternoon and in the meantime took a trip to Louisville and sat in traffic for a while on the way. Not incredible? Fine, be that way. The good feelings went away when I stopped to fill up after work and dropped over 70 cussing bucks to make my dinosaur go. I am pretty sure I have never spent more than 60 on gas at one stop before. This sounds like a lot of money for fuel, but allow me to shed some perspective on the subject. 352 miles for 70 dollars comes out to just over twenty cents a mile (it was actually $71.36 you mathemagicians), which is not all that much. Most companies pay something like 50 cents a mile to employees who get reimbursed for travel. Still, I can’t wait to get back into my little car. I will gladly pay an extra 20 cents a gallon to get ten extra MPG.

      Today we have made history. This humble electronic publication has reached one thousand page views. However, I think this stat might need an asterisk because my brother Joe tells me he has been on here like twenty times today. Not that I care. Even more noteworthy is the amount of revenue that has been generated today. My AdSense account has earned more in this one day than in all of the previous days combined. I don’t know what you are all doing, but it is fantastic. If every day was like today I would be making around a hundred bucks a week. If this keeps up, I will take all of my followers out to dinner. (this should get that number up) Maybe I will smoke my cigar today since I have finally earned more than it is worth. On top of all that, I got a mailing from Google today giving me information on how to activate my payment. So they don’t hate me yet!

Since Adam seems to want more band names, here are the gems from this post:

Not Incredible

Mathemagicians

Pay Something

Dropped

Cussing Dollars

Testing the Limits

    I am trying a little experiment that I hope will not result in my walking any measurable distance. I am seeing if I can travel 350 miles on a single tank of gas in my SUV. I usually make it less than 300 before I decide it is prudent to stop and fill up, so this might end badly. I think I have a gas light that works though. We will see I guess. I am almost to my goal already and I am still a bit above E. A few miles of walking never killed anyone. I used to drive a car that I am pretty sure could go 450 miles on a much smaller tank, making this a much less impressive feat.

    remember that time I was talking about online news sources being terrible? Two headlines I saw today completely reaffirm my thoughts. Yahoo! is awful all the time, but today they were on their A-game. One headline read "Fight Breaks Out At Hockey Game." I am hoping there was some irony meant there. I don't know about you, but I get upset when I go to a hockey game and a fight doesn't break out. They did say that it started within seconds of the game starting. Then they went on to say that it was the third fight of the season that had occurred at the very start of a game, making the story completely devoid of any newsworthy content. The other headline came from CNN.com. Yes, I tried something new. The headline read "Keep Kids Away From Medications." I did not bother with the article.

Online News Source would be a good name for a band.

Yahoo!

    Sucks. Seriously. I expect a lot more from a big time news source. I don't care if it does have a foolish name. I don't know of any other decent news sources so I expect this one to be good. It's not. Even the car articles have an extreme bias (they want to marry Toyota and think anything associated with America or coolness is terrible.) One thing I can't stand, and neither can the other readers judging by the comments, is the sheer volume of articles that are about visual things that have no picture included. Most don't even included a link to an image. It's a disgrace. If only Google had a news page.

    Check out a video of Miguel Cabrera catching a bad bounce in the face. Pretty gnarly. If I wasn't writing this on my phone I would include a link to one. I am not that tech savvy (actually I am just not motivated to try.)

    I need to get my car out of storage. I have seen loads of gray hairs in Z4s and punks in Miatas. I need to represent the middle ground. People who are actually cool and do not just have an overinflated sense of self worth because they drive a small car.

"Top down, all the time."

St Patrick's Day

St. Patrick's Day is today. This revered holiday celebrates the life of St. Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland. Specifically, the day he, John Jameson, and Sean Bailey decided the beer Walter Guinness was brewing was gross and they needed to make it better. That day they invented the Irish Car Bomb. After a few rounds to perfect the formula, they were so smashed they decided it would be the best idea ever to have a snake throwing contest. After running drunk all over the island gathering up every snake in the land, they threw them in the ocean. None of them could see straight enough to tell who won and they would not have remembered in the morning anyway.
If Ireland were the United States it would be crowded. That's not what I was going to say. If the USA banned snakes, PETA would have an aneurysm. Happy St Patricks Day!

"Let's get drunk!"

It's Madness!

March Madness is upon us. I can't believe some of the games so far. Well the results anyway. I have not actually seen much of any games so far. I picked my bracket in about two minutes without thinking at all. I have done decently well so far. I don't really give a crap though, so it's whatever.

It is my sisters birthday. I know that because I saw on Facebook that my friend Katie along with several other people wished her a happy birthday. She is celebrating with my two younger sisters. Younger as in younger than Katelyn. They are all younger than me. Anyways, that should be a fun night of drinking. Pretty sure Bic would be absolutely insane when you add alcohol. Em would be fun I bet. We will have a big party next year. Everyone is invited.

Santorum For President!

I hate this place. I dropped three calls on my way home from work. What kind of city doesn’t have decent wireless coverage in this day and age? I am disappointed. I expected better from this place. That’s a complete lie. I’m surprised they even have roads.

I just got Xbox live for a dollar. Now I can get my behind handed to me by eleven year old kids with no parents in intense online play. I can’t wait. Played my first match. We even won. Word is telling me I use a lot of incomplete sentences. Word doesn’t realize this is a blog and no one is going to read it let alone care about the sentence structure. Now I have to get a headset so I can banter with my fellow gamers, lol.

I also just had a piece of bologna with some cheddar cheese rolled inside. Not as good as I was hoping. I really only like processed lunch meat when it is hot.

So one of my favorite parts about my apartment is that it has a little deck. Unfortunately the birds like it too. It has a big pile of crap under the light that has been there all winter. Not exactly the sort of decoration that makes you want to spend a lot of time out there. I will have to do something about that. I am not a fan of birds that close to me. Or birds defecating on my stuff. I think that is reasonable. Speaking of taking care of birds, I need to eat dinner.

Storage Wars

    Can you believe this weather? I am going to talk about it for a bit here, so sit tight. First I am going to turn on a light. It takes a lot longer to type when I have to keep going back and correcting my mistakes. I think a freaking semi just drove past my window. I swear, there is more traffic past my apartment than there is on the road out front. And just about every car that goes by needs a new muffler. This place is kind of trashy. The weather is really nice though. I heard that someone said that today was the nicest day in history. While that can never accurately be determined, I do agree with the underlying sentiment that today was exceptionally nice. It is hard to beat mid-seventies and cloudless skies. Unless you want to partake in some watersports. Eating lunch outside sure made it hard to go back to work. So I...crap, I just got distracted by the tv and I have no idea what I am talking about. I don't feel like going back and finding out. Hope you got something out of this post.

Wait, the title is Storage Wars, maybe I would talk about that. So lately Barry has been playing this "oh I'm broke I actually need to try" angle. I don't think that is the truth. I think people were getting annoyed that all he does it pitch 95% of the stuff in the locker. Either way, he is one of my favorite people on the show. In an episode I saw recently (I'm watching it right now) he was helping Jarrod get a heavy piece of furniture down and he is distracted digging around in other boxes. Jarrod and Brandi are pretty cool too. They are constantly on each other but they still seem happy about it. Refreshing really. Good for them.

Armored Hornet

"All of you are doing nothing! And I can't fire you because you're kin to me!"

Tuesday

    Tuesday sucks about as much as Monday, just in different ways. Before I get into that I would like to point out to everyone that I don't know how to play any instrument all that well, so street musician is not that viable of an option. Also, I live in Springfield Ohio which means I would not want to stand out on the corner. At all. What was I going to talk about...? TopGear looks like it is going to be pretty good this week. Its on next on History if you are interested. Tuesday was expensive. I love cars, but they cost a cuss-ton. New alternator in the Passport and my monthly loan payment on the S2000 on the same day. Woof. TOPGEAR!!! This week is going to be in the red for sure. Guess I picked a lousy weekend to buy an Xbox. What makes it worse is that I am paying off my car while it sits in a barn and the weather this week is phenomenal. I am talking seventies in March. It is not fair at all. Next week will be better. Better for me, not sure about the weather. My next post might be about hockey. That sounds like it will be more interesting.

New Alternator
No Fun.

"I love hockey!"

Monday

    There is no doubt that today is Monday. It started out just lovely. I was taking my time getting ready because I am a real employee now. Then as I was walking out the door I couldn’t find my badge and then I got out to my car and forgot my lunch. My truck is not charging its battery correctly, and I was not sure if I could get to work at all. Well I did make it to work…barely. It pretty much died as I was pulling in. I had to have someone help me jump it after work. Luckily a guy I was talking to about it during the day was walking out at the same time. After the jump I went to Autozone. As I was pulling in the alternator kicked on and started charging the battery. This led to a series of stops where nothing was fixed and the charge just kept getting lower and lower. I finally ended up and NTB, where the guy was really nice and did everything he could to get it working, but in the end all they could do was charge it up and send me on my way. Now I have to figure out what to do in the morning, get to work and get it fixed somehow. Should be an adventure. Oh well. This dinner should help. Three eggs scrambled with two slices of bologna, a bunch of onion, garlic, cheese and a little bit of spinach. After that I am going to have a glass of sweet tea and kill some aliens. This is going to be much better than the rest of the day.

"Its time to kill some aliens."

Mo' Money

    I want a supplemental source of income. Sure I have a decent job, but I have a lot of expenses and the money is just not piling up like I always hoped it would once I got out of school. I thought this blog thing might be the answer, but you cheap skates don't click on the ads. I think I am averaging about a nickel a day in earnings. Not exactly lining the coffers. So I have been brainstorming the last few days about what I can do and I am pretty much drawing a blank. I have plenty of skills, just not easily marketable lucrative skills. I have no lack of time. Every day is wide open from 5:30 to 11:00pm. So I have the ability to learn new things, have plenty of time, and want money. Any suggestions?
    I have a few ideas. One I like the idea of is bartender. I like meeting new people, alcohol is fun, and bar tenders can make good money. I would probably have to take a few classes. Then again, I would likely be working in a bar in Springfield, so all I would have to know how to do is pull a beer. I might have to actually look into this. Even if I didn't get a bar tending job, it would be cool to learn a few good drinks. My other idea is modeling. It would make a lot more money than bar tending for sure. I think it would be a pretty fun job. Getting your picture taken for money? Yes please! I am pretty good looking, in great shape, tall and thin. Perfect for the job it sounds like. It would be a lot harder to get jobs modeling I am sure. Also, I am not sure I would be able to stand the other people working in that field. Its a toss-up. I will have to come up with a few more options and put them up in a poll. Check it out.

"It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand, I beat people up."

America!

    I promised someone I would post this. It is an excellent discourse on why PBR is America's beer. I would never wear a shirt like that. I would never wear those sandals. But, I would gladly drink a six-pack of George Washington's favorite beer.

    On a similarly patriotic note, I am considering getting a gun. Firearms are a cornerstone of this country. They represent freedom, strength, and self-reliance. Not everyone needs to own a gun, but every responsible citizen should be allowed to own a gun. Obviously there should be some restrictions and a screening process to acquire a dangerous firearm, but there should not be a ban of any sort. I am very surprised by the reactions I have been getting when I tell people what I want to do. I was expecting a lot more disbelief and opposition. The general feeling I have been getting is support. I can't wait. It is going to be really fun. I realize this post is about alcohol and firearms. What of it?

"Drink it ya asshole."

Cable

    I am getting pretty frustrated with my cable. I get my cable and internet from Time Warner. I have no problems with the internet. It is pretty fast, and reliable. The cable on the other hand is crap. I have a brand new plasma TV with a great picture. You would not know it from the picture that is coming through the cable though. The picture pixelates, the resolution becomes lowered, and it makes me angry. When I first turn on the TV the screen stays black until I change the channel. When I change the channel, the indicator bar that has channel information on it stays on until I hit the exit button to make it go away. Clearly, something is not right. I am going to have to give those people a piece of my mind. I don't pay eighty bucks a month for something that doesn't work right.

"A consumer is a shopper who is sore about something."

I Apologize

To my dear readers,

I sincerely regret not writing a post today. I was busy. I will not be busy tomorrow, so I will write numerous posts to make it up to you.

Love always,

Me

Girls Are Dirty*

    Girls are not clean. Don't get me wrong, girls are great. They can be fun sometimes, some are handy to have around the house, and occasionally you can have a decent conversation with one. But watch out if one comes to visit and spends more than an afternoon. When a particular female comes over, I generally spend an above average amount of time (aka any time) cleaning my apartment. When she is here extra dirty dishes are generated. And then after she leaves, I have to spend even more time cleaning the make-up off of everything. This is actually how I know that the previous tenant was a female. Hours were spent removing brown residue from every surface in that room. I am just glad it was makeup. Filthy. This was another topic on the blog suggestion list. I really need to step up my game. No wonder my hits are waning. Blast.

This is another one of my favorite commercials. Some people tell me the humor is not for everyone.

 *This post is dedicated to whatever women's holiday I have heard rumors is today. Live it up ladies.

Pick From The List

    I have a list of potential blog topics. I have this list because I usually think of things to write about when I am at work. And when I am at home sitting with my computer in my lap I generally draw a complete blank. Like right now. Even with the list this is taking forever to write. So you better be enjoying this. There is one item on the list that is somewhat intriguing. All it says is: Life clogging the tube. I am not really sure what it means. I think I was saying something about when life is going down the tubes, it will clog the tube it is going down then everything will start coming back up. Pretty brilliant really. The more stuff that is going wrong in your life, the more things that are heading down, the better the chance that everything will jam up, ruin everything, and end in a costly plumbers bill. I thought that was going to take a turn there. Oh well. I am going to have to try harder to make these blog ideas actually workable. Taking that one off the list. The next one should be better. As they say, when too much life is going down, its bound to start coming back up.


This is one of my favorite current commercials. Wait for it...

"I've eaten stuff from under the car before."

Why Do I Do This?

    Before I get to the real topic, I would like to point out that the current Jeopardy! champion looks like the grinch when he smiles. Its a little creepy.

Running has got to be the dumbest thing I do. I mean who doesn’t want to come home from a long day at work and spend a half hour or so exerting an uncomfortable amount of energy? I sure don’t, so the answer is me. To make matters worse, it is winter. So every day is either really cold, raining, or gale force winds. I don’t run to be healthy either. I run to be fast. This makes it very difficult to have a leisurely time. Actually it makes it impossible. Maybe if I get really fast I can run a race with prize money and this will be worth it. I did have a little fun on my run today. I wanted to go a new route, but the roads didn’t quite cooperate. I had to be creative. Luckily I was on foot. The red line is my route if you didn't get that. I was determined not to go any further down the particular road I was on.

Dave Chapelle is very funny. Just saw the skit about Charlie Murphy playing basketball against Prince. Game: Blouses. 

“I’ve eaten stuff from under the car before.”

Its Official

    I am the worst negotiator ever. I got called into a meeting today and I knew what it was about. I was being offered a permanent position at Konecranes. Armed with this knowledge, I completely bombed it. I had an idea of what I wanted, I had an idea of what I expected, and I had an idea of what the lowest possible offer they might give me would be. Guess what they offered. The lowest. And I, like the worst negotiator in the world I am, took the offer with no debate. The benefits better be fantastic.
    So I think I am going to go in and talk about the situation with my supervisor tomorrow morning. They already know that I am not exactly thrilled with the offer, but I like the job so we might be able to figure something out. Or I will struggle on in practical poverty. Yeah, that is prolly what will happen. Poverty in this sense of course meaning I will have to postpone the purchase of my first jet-ski for at least one more summer. Major bummer. This blog earning needs to pick the heck up.

Solar Storms

    I was reading an article today about solar storms and how they are responsible for the appearance of the Aurora Borealis. It says that I spelled that wrong, but gives no better suggestions so it can suck it. Anyway, the sun basically explodes and sends out this solar plasma stuff that bombards the atmosphere and then gets channeled along the earth's magnetic field to the north and south poles. This creates the awesome (actually awesome) light shows that can be seen in the extreme latitudes. That all well and good, but what I want to know is what the heck is a pummeling from solar plasma doing to us? The magic magnetic field is not going to stop everything, but there is no mention of what side effects there surely will be. Whatever, I'll take a slightly shortened lifespan (or maybe lengthened? fingers crossed) in exchange for seeing the northern lights once in a while. I have heard that the sun works on an eleven year cycle of stormy explosive activity and the peak is in 2013, so we should have some good shows in the near future. Check out the northern lights as seen from above here.

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

Short Lived

   What happened people? 141 of you stop by one day, then the next three days in a row only see numbers in the low twenties? Was I really that much of a let-down? I'm doing my best here! You should all just be grateful that I am even taking up my precious time to give you all this fantastic diversion from your own lives. Any time you want you can take a break from what is surely a never ending string of bleak occurrences by simply logging on and tuning in. In the time it takes you to think "I bet reading about what Eric is doing will cheer me up, I think I will venture over to his stunning new blog Charlie Sheen page and have a look-see at what he has to say. And then when I am done with that I will be happy as ever and might go for a walk." you can be on my blog reading all of the entertaining, insightful, comical things posted here. You know you will enjoy it.
    Today was nearly as boring as the end of last week. There was next to nothing to do at work. On top of that, the articles on Yahoo! are getting even worse. Which is hard to believe, because I am pretty sure they employ fifth-graders to write for them. Or maybe actual writers do the writing, but fifth-graders do the research. That sounds more plausible. Either way, the drivel on there is about pointless. Some of the bits are downright terrible. My personal favorite are the ones talking about visual things with nary a picture or video to be found.
     All I am really trying to say is keep coming back. It makes me feel special when a whole bunch of people read what I am writing. Hold that. It makes me feel special when the number at the bottom of my page keeps going up. I don't give a rats cuss if anyone actually reads this cuss.

"In the hands of an intellectual weakling, the pen will never be mightier than the sword."

One Thing Missing

    I could use a fireplace. I have a blanket. I have a comfy couch. What I don't have is a roaring fire. Or one that is just crackling. I do have a candle, but a candle does not have the same aura of comfort and security that a fire has. If the furnace goes out a candle will not keep you warm. You will freeze smelling nice though. Love those new extra strength scented candles. Mmmmmm.

    A&E needs to get better at playing commercials. I just saw like three in a row that were cut off half way through. I would think that a national channel would have a little more quality than that. I think they are actually showing two commercials at once and they are ending at different times. Genius really. Doubling up on the profits. I hate commercials. A bunch of fake excited people raving about products I would never want. I am not watching Storage Wars because I want to buy a new lightweight vacuum and three different ED medications. I watch Storage Wars to see other people buy whole rooms full of crap.

"I don't get paid unless you get paid."

Severe Weather

   I have not seen any today. Does it bother anyone else that a tornado can kill five people and make national headlines, yet hundreds of people die from lack of sustenance every day and there is not a single mention of it other than in blanket statements of how bad things are? A single dramatic death trumps hundreds of inconspicuous deaths. One of my co-workers made a good point this afternoon. How much time and money was spent (is still being spent) to put out weather alerts every five minutes? Yet people are going hungry in this very city. Imagine how many people would be living a little better if that energy was reappropriated? You can look outside and see that the weather is bad, it is much harder to feed yourself.
   And what was the point of all these warning anyway? It was just rain here! You would have thought the apocalypse was upon us from the way these fools talk. It is media sensationalism at its finest, exploiting something as mundane as the weather. I am not saying the weather can't be dangerous, but use some common sense and you will be fine. Just because the last storm had some severe elements does not mean that the next one will be the storm of the century. The moral of the story is clear. Never leave your home, otherwise you will die.
    One thing that really did upset me about the weather was the fact that it brought into sharp focus the fact that my truck leaks. It was raining inside my vehicle. I need to get that fixed. Or switch cars soon. Prolly both really. Inside rain is never a good thing. It is a pretty cool name for a band though. I literally just got the best idea ever. I am going to start putting band names I think of at the bottom of my posts. This post will have two, since I thought of a good one a few days ago, but didn't have this perfect distribution method. If I find anyone starts using any of my solid gold suggestions, a healthy kick-back will be appreciated.

Inside Rain
Massive Kerosene Fireball

"Quotation is a serviceable substitution for wit"

Milestones

    This venerable publication has hit a historic milestone. Five hundred page views! I guess I should not be surprised, but I really didn't know what to expect when I started this blog on a whim a few days ago. It is amusing to me, I want this blog to be wildly popular with dozens of people coming back regularly to see what I have to say, but at the same time, I expect interest to fizzle out quickly. I think this is because I am a big fan of people liking (or at least showing interest) in what I have to say, but I personally have never found a blog that I gave a flying cuss about. I also have been known to mentally mock people who are described as bloggers when they are interviewed on the news. I also mock grown people whose profession is student.
    Anyway, interest does not seem to be fizzling. In fact, it seems to be booming. Already today has seen nearly one hundred visitors and yesterday more comments were left than in all the previous days combined. I hope my fan base keeps growing and you all keep coming back to hear me talk to myself. Please leave comments too. I also want to be entertained.

“Success is the good fortune that comes from aspiration, desperation, perspiration and inspiration.”

Not Quite Home

                It has dawned on me that I don’t quite fit in at my apartment complex. I don’t mean to be a jerk, but I am pretty sure I have a few steps up on most of these people on the societal ladder. Case-in-point: the guy across the way drives an old full-size pickup and has a mullet. A real, honest to god, no doubt about it, does he own a mirror, his barber should be disbarred, mullet. It seems like everyone who lives here is either black or overweight. Don’t get me wrong though, the only thing I have against black people is that they are the only other category aside from overweight. There are few residents who are not that big and just seem unhealthy or have styles that are not my favorite, such as punk. Yeah, not a fan of the slightly dirty look. As my friend Katie put it, there is not much to look forward to when the pool opens. (shudders)

“Here’s looking at you…indirectly…and trying not to at all…please don’t sense the disdain oozing from my pores.”

Conference Call

Conference calls can be boring. I have been on this one for over fifty minutes and I have said one thing. Not that I care. I will gladly get paid for an hour of work to confirm a date. Maybe I should pay a little more attention. It is pretty easy to tell when the things being discussed pertain to you. I just hope no one at work reads my blog and notices that I am writing this during the call. Someday I will be important and have things to say. Or I will have something else important and work related to do when I am not needed on the call. I do get to wear a super cool hands free headset. Livin' the dream.

It is worth mentioning (in my mind) that the guy conducting the call is Canadian and I almost burst out laughing every time he says aboot. Hahahahaha Canadians.

"You are only as tall as your shoes make you."