Louisville

    Louisville is a great place to be. That is, unless you happen to want to go somewhere other than where you are. I hate that place. People who live there have nicknames for the stop lights. They call them LLL's. Long Louisville Lights. There is one near Courtney's new apartment. It is so bad that I now do one of two things. I either turn down the street before the light because it is faster going through the neighboring business complex than waiting for the light, or I go through the light. I am not worried about getting pulled over for doing it. Everyone runs red lights in that city. If you pull away from a light as soon as it turns green, you will be hit by the last two people that just couldn't wait. The police don't care. I was sitting at this same five minute light when a van blew through going the other way right in front of a cop. The cop waited for his light to change, then turned out the other way and went on his way.
    I have never seen a Louisville cop do anything. I did see one sitting in the very back corner of a deserted parking lot. They must save their energy for when the rowdy parts of town start shooting everything that looks at them funny.
    The people who drive in Louisville do not understand many things that are common in the rest of the world. Courtesy for example is completely absent from the roadways. I think most drivers are terrible, but these people are the worst. The surface streets are just as bad. Random lane changing is rampant, some people drive way under the limit, others are going twenty over. There is no rhyme or reason. I am not joking either. In one day I encountered a driver who was going 30 in a 45 and someone who was going at least 60 in a 45. People are idiots. I'm out.

Party Hard

    This weekend I did something that I have not done in a very long time. I was up until 3AM two nights in a row. I am so darn tired. I guess that is what happens when you have people over who want to have a good time. We only had two people over all weekend, but our place can't handle much more than that. We are having a party one person at a time. Friday our friend Laura came over. Ryan pestered her enough that she actually showed up. She has been flaking out on me since we graduated, so I was not holding my breath. She came through. We tried to find a liquor store. There is a college a mile away and there are apparently no liquor stores. So we went to walgreens and got some beer. I found a ten at the checkout and was a good person and went to the parking lot and found the lady who dropped it. The Universe owes me big. Just waiting for what goes around to come back around. We had a good time. Played one on two beer pong. Gave Laura a nice welt. Watched Wilfred. Felt terrible the next morning.
    The next day, Ryan's friend Jenn came up from Cinci. I have met this girl several times over the years. I lived two floors above her freshman year at Miami. I also had a conversation with her at a party a few months ago. She asked me where I went to college. Luckily, we had plenty of time to catch up over beers, Irish Car Bombs, (half way to St. Patties Day!) and maybe this time some of the information will stick. It was a really fun time and I felt great this morning! I got up, went to church, which took forever, went to the pool and read for a while, got sunburned on half of my body because it is the middle of September and I was not thinking about the sun, then lazed around the rest of the day. Now I think it is bed time so I am not useless at work tomorrow.

It has been two weeks since my last posts? This month is flying by. It will be Christmas in no time!

Golf

    I am taking up golf. Not surprisingly this idea amusement has been a growing interest since I moved to a place with a golf course view. It does not help that I can't afford to play a round on this course. Golf is a very expensive game. There are green fees to play, clubs to buy, driving range fees for practice, all the booze you have to drink to not quit outright after five holes, the hits just keep coming. One of the guys I work with gave me some old clubs that hit the ball well enough and there is a driving range down the street that is reasonable. Now I just need to find a course that I can play for free complete with an open bar and I will be set.
    I have yet to play an actual hole of golf with my new clubs. When I got them, he just gave the whole bag he used. It had become a repository for all of the clubs he had laying around. I took twenty one clubs out of the bag and I still have enough in it to fill all of my needs. Anyone want some used clubs? I'll give em to you cheap. Anyway, I am not sure how well it is going to go when I finally get out there. I have gone to the driving range a couple times and the results are mixed. I am pretty good with the irons. Off the rubber tees I can hit them pretty straight and am consistent enough with the distances. The drivers are another story. Occasionally I can put a good hit on the ball with them, but most of the time it is going all over the place. The thing that really worries me is this: at the end of my session I went over to the area with grass tee boxes and tried to hit a few with an iron. The farthest one went about ten feet. This will not be good if I can't drive off the tee and can't hit an iron when the ball is on the ground. Guess that is what the booze is for.

"Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes it rains."

Dreams

    I should write a post about all of the things I like about my new place. That might be kind of an interesting post. Instead I am going to tell you about the dream I had last night. Well at least the part I remember. So it started out that we were hanging out in this enormous tree house. For some reason it was made of yellow legos. I am pretty sure there was some crazy happenings that went on that got us in the tree house, but the details are vague. No sense in rambling on about that. While we (I don't remember who "we" was. Probably some of my siblings or maybe Courtney.) were in the Lego tree house, my mom and dad came driving up to the tree in a mini-van. They sped up as they got closer and hit one of the roots and rolled the van. It broke into a bunch of pieces because it was also made of Legos. They got out unharmed and started scavenging parts off of the ruined van to sell or something. Remarkably, that was not the highlight of the dream. Also, while I was up in the treehouse a bear tried to get in. So I fought it. I must have seen it coming, because as it lunged through the opening in the wall (you know, like lego houses have, just kind of a large retangle hole, no door or window) I blindsided it and kicked it into the wall. There was quite a bit of wrestling that followed. It came at me a few times and each time I side-stepped the attack and threw it off. At one point, after I checked it into the wall pretty hard, there was a bloody spot left from where its head hit. I don't recall the ultimate ending to the dream, but I was clearly winning. Sort of like how I am clearly winning the awesome dream contest. Thanks for playing.

Moving On Up

    I am getting out of this place for good. I am moving out of this horrible place and taking up residence on a golf course. My view is going from crappy cars and the obese smokers they belong to to the lovely expanses of the 18th green of the Beavercreek Country Club. If I had a truck I would move tonight. Sadly, I will have to wait until Saturday. I have all of the headache inducing details figured out. All of the utilities are going to be turned off at the right time, the new lease is already signed. The new place has pool furniture! And attractive people! I am a little concerned by the placement of a telescope in one of the clubhouse windows that faces the pool. Not sure what all that is about. I am a little worried about getting my couch out of my current place and into the new one. It is the only thing that I have gotten since moving here that will not fit in a normal vehicle. It should not be too much of a problem though. As long as someone shows up to help me move... Like I said, I am moving in like two days, but I have not really packed anything. I am starting to think this might be a problem potentially. Eh, I'll pack tomorrow. Or Friday.

    Hope the Tigers start winning more soon. I finally get a means to watch them and they start being terrible again.

"You can 'bring home the bacon'!"

Swing And A Miss

    I am really starting to wonder when I am going to start making the best choices in my life. I figure after a while I will get lucky and something will go completely well right? Still waiting on when that might be. I mentioned the housing debacle in my last post. That is still a debacle and will continue to be so until I am completely free of this place. At that point, I am sure a fresh batch of should-haves will come into view. The latest frustration comes in the form of a raise. Yes, I am aware that raises should not be frustrating. Well this one is. Once again, I thought maybe they would give me a nice bump and get me on track toward my earning goals. My sights were set quite lofty indeed. I was hoping for a couple bucks an hour. In six months I went from knowing nothing to being the big fish in the office. I do not think it is unreasonable to think that this would garner a decent increase in compensation. Turns out it only gets you the usual. I am now making fifty four cents an hour more. Or I will be once it goes through. I will be getting another 3% increase in another six months. That would be nice if I was not started out almost 10% below the MINIMUM I wanted to start at. I keep getting the same lines when they tell me what I will be getting. "This is the most we give anyone." "You started out higher than most." Well guess what, I am more educated and naturally smarter than everyone else here. I damn well better be making more than the slaps you hire from the employment office! What really gets me is that I probably could have been making more. When I was thinking about things this afternoon I was reminded of a job that I missed by one spot. That job started out at 40k/yr and increased to 50k/yr by the end of the first year. For all those of you who are math challenged, that is a 25% increase. This employer called me a few weeks after I started at Konecranes to tell me that the guy they did hire did not work out and to see if I could come back in for another interview. I turned the offer down thinking I would be getting a nice increase when I was hired on full time. WRONG! Next year at this time, if they don't wise up, I will be looking for new employment. With two years experience in a challenging project management setting, I will be a shoe-in for fifty K base at any company that actually values keeping driven, talented people.  

"It's called a lance, helloooo"

I Want My Money

I am trying to sell a vehicle. If you know anyone who wants a cheap truck that needs a little work, let me know. It has been getting a lot of interest so far, but no one has made an offer yet. I am likely to take the first offer that is made. I might be a little impatient about it. It has only been in the yard for like a week.
I could use that influx of cash. I could also use the raise that I have been promised. A few weeks ago the other guy who did the same job as me got demoted. This meant that I got all his work, which was all messed up because he was doing such a poor job he lost his job. I am hoping for big increases though, so I guess I can wait a few more days. Still, it is tough when the workload doubles and the frustration triples and there is nothing positive gained. Other than the respect of my superiors.
The reason I could use some extra money is that I am moving. I am breaking a lease and the property rental place are being eyeholes about the whole thing. Trying to change how the lease reads and things like that. They must think they are dealing with the usual fools who rent with them. Should be an interesting few weeks then.

"Pudge controls the weather."

Quite The Week

    This week has gone by very fast. I thought I wrote a post a few days ago, but now I see it has been almost a full week. A lot has happened since then. On Monday the other guy who does the same job as me got demoted. This was a little bit of a surprise to me. Apparently he didn’t really do much other than watch TV shows all day. One example of how bad he was doing is that we are supposed to have drawings cleaned up and released within a few days of getting them. He had some that had been sitting for almost a month. On Tuesday we realized how good of a decision it was to move him elsewhere when nearly every job of his we looked at needed something done. My workload has been increased by about 50%. I heard before this all went down that there would be some increased monetary compensation for me in the deal. I need to talk to someone next week about that because definitely think there should be. I am aiming for a three dollar an hour raise. That is about an 18% increase in pay. That may seem like a bit, but they low balled me hard when I first started with the main reason being I had no experience. Clearly they think I am good at the job if they got rid of the guy who had been here twice as long. It will really depend on if the company puts enough value on talent. Out in the factory they do not, so I have to keep my fingers crossed that things are different in the office. If not, I will stick it out for two years, then use two years of project management experience to get a job with a company that has its priorities in order. I might do that even if they do give me what I want. Who knows, two years is a long way off.

    I may be moving soon. I know a guy who is looking for a roommate and it could be a good move. He lives over toward Dayton, so there would be more people and more to do. My power went out for 24 hours from Friday evening to Saturday evening and I spent most of that time in bed because that was literally the most fun thing to do. This apartment complex I am in sucks. There is no fitness room, no furniture on the pool deck, and the pool has been closed all weekend even though it is in the 90’s. I do not like it here and am looking forward to getting out. Now if they will just respond to a damn email I will find out what it takes to get out of a lease. I am really glad the power came back on when it did. All my food was about to thaw. I was this close to eating ten hamburgers in one evening to keep from having to throw them away. I dislike wasting food.

“That smells like pure gasoline.”

Lather

    This is going to make me sound really lazy, but there is more to it than that. I hate when I see a new looking soap dispenser and when I push the thing regular old liquid soap comes out. Then I have to lather it up myself and that takes more time. In reality, the extra rubbing probably kills more germs and all that jazz, but I really like the instant foam. It is something that you don't really think about, but that is one of my favorite  recent gadgets. It eliminates the occasional dud soap that just doesn't want to lather. I should get one of those pumps for my house.

    I went on something like a real date this evening. I met Court half way between where we were and had dinner in a little town in the middle of nowhere. The restaurant we went to makes some really good burgers. I had a half pound bison burger with mozzarella cheese and jalapenos. It was delicious. We need to bring back the bison so we can eat them more responsibly. And eat them more. Courtney got one that had a one-third pound burger, a slice of thick salami, bacon, onion rings, and cream cheese along with lettuce and tomato. That one was pretty good. We might have to go back there. The only problem with that is there are more places to eat just in that little town and there is an Amish restaurant a few miles away. I want to go there because we used to watch this show about Amish cooking on PBS and everything the lady cooked looked awesome. There are just too many places to eat in the world! I want to go to them all!

    I got passed by some punk on a sport bike on my way to work this morning, so at the next stop sign I floored it off the line and stuck to his back tire all the way up to 80. I think that made him mad because he didn't stop and zipped around the two cars in front of us. He must have had somewhere better than work to go to. I know I was not in that kind of a hurry. Actually I hope he got arrested for riding like an eyehole.

"If the only thing to fear is fear itself, why does Elanor Roosevelt wear that spooky mask?"

Eggs

    My eggy creations have been getting more and more weird of late. Today's dinner is three eggs scrambled with diced onion, sharp cheddar cheese, sour cream with chives, fresh style salsa (I have had it for a while. It was more fresh when I purchased it), and a dash of hot sauce. This, while being less than healthy, is far from the most unhealthy iteration. That would have to be the eggs with onion, cheese, garlic, and pepperoni. Really freaking good, but I felt a step closer to the grave after eating it. I need to eat more vegetables. Its too bad I hate them all. I had a container of spinach that I was piling on my turkey salami sandwiches every day, but it got soggy. Well I am stuffed.

   I started watching Falling Skies a few days ago. I heard of the show when it first started airing last year some time, but I didn't care. Then I saw the preview for the season premier and it looked pretty cool so I had to scour the interweb to find the first season. It is quite entertaining. It is about people who are trying to survive on earth after an alien invasion. I am a little disappointed that they have not shown the invasion, but other than that it is decent. Lots of crap to deal with when the aliens take over. I think my favorite line so far was this: "I don't know what makes sense anymore. We're fighting aliens from outer space!" Good times.

    I am going to watch some more now. Stay frosty.

There Was An Old Lady

        I have some serious bones to pick with this outlandish children’s rhyme/tale. Most of my consternation lies with the old lady. She is obviously not well. No one in their right mind goes around shoveling wildlife down their gaping maw. I do not place any blame on the fly as other might. The end of every verse clearly states that the old woman swallowed the fly. There is no mention of the fly having any intention to be eaten. Then there is the logic of swallowing certain animals in the hope of catching other animals. There are two parts to this gaffe. First, I can understand the first attempt. Sure, swallow a spider to catch the fly. Spiders catch insects. Makes perfect sense. Except it doesn’t. Is the spider going to build a web inside the woman? Sounds more detrimental than helpful to me. After the spider things go wacky fast all the way up to a cow and a horse. Have you ever seen a cow chase anything? I haven’t. I have not seen a horse catch a cow either. This brings me to point number two. Does she have these animals trained? I do not see any other way she could possibly think that a goat would catch a dog, unless she had trained it specifically to do so. If this is the case, why in the heck would she do that? What possible scenario did she envision that she would need twelve different animals all trained to catch one of the others? No one has that kind of time! And wouldn’t they all be after each other all time or do they catch on command? Actually this is starting to sound like quite the impressive venture.

        The last major beef that I am going to mention here is the very last line of the story “she died of course.” This is referring to the old lady scarfing down the horse. I fail to see how, at this juncture, it is obvious that her actions would kill her. Think about it. This person just consumed an entire cow and was then still spritely enough to get a horse in her mouth and swallowed. If a cow didn’t at least seriously slow her down, I fail to see how a horse could kill her. Unless the horse kicked her from the inside or something and caused internal trauma. How does she even open her mouth that wide? She must be eating them whole, otherwise the story would run a little differently. “She swallowed the ton of horse meat to catch the fifteen hundred pounds of steak…” What a dumb lady. People eat bugs all the time. Just suck it up and move on. No need to clear out the farm.

“We need you.”
“More than you know.”
“Not that much.”

Omissions

    I realized after I made that post yesterday that I had a pretty big weekend and basically skipped right over it. The fun started Friday at four when I got off work an hour early and hit the road. Traffic was pretty light, so I was making good time, but I knew that there would be tie-ups in Cinci so I had to keep the hammer down. Sure enough, about twenty miles from my destination, the lane I was in stopped. The other two kept going, which did not make me happy. Then they stopped too and I got over it. We were stop and go for a little while, then magically everything cleared up. The only possible reason for the delay (other than rampant Cincinnati driver incompetence) was a disabled vehicle on the side of the road. Things didn't start to get hairy again until I was almost at the 75-71 split where both highways converge and try to cross the river at the same spot. This works about as well as it sounds like it would. Miles from the bridge, the right two lanes get backed up. You know, the ones that you need to be in to exit. A little ways up from where the right lanes get jammed, the left lane gets backed up with people trying to get on 71. This leaves one lane clear. I am in a hurry, so there is no way I am getting over before I have to. I know my exit is coming up in less than a mile. There are no gaps. There is a sign for my exit in half a mile. Still no gaps. Keep in mind, I am still going 65 and I have to cross two lanes of stopped traffic to exit. Here comes my exit, then as the exit ramp begins a gap appears between a car and the semi in front of it. I put my signal on and swoop in and just as I enter that spot, another gap appears in front of an RV in the next lane. I gun it and after a split second of panic that comes with a blind lane change I am off the highway on a nearly deserted downtown street just minutes from the park.
     There were tons of Tigers fans around. I think some of them were lost, because as I was driving in there were some like ten blocks away from the stadium walking the wrong way. I drove around for bit trying to find a cheap place to park. I made a pass by the park and then headed back away. Two blocks away was a sign for $15 parking. Heck no. On the next block was a garage with $7 parking. Much better. I changed out of my jeans in my car (this is highly impressive and that is only reason I have included it), grabbed my glove, and headed for my first major league game in two years. Met up with Courtney in front of the park and went in. We had over an hour before the game started, so we walked around the park. I had a feeling there would be some people there that I knew, but you will never guess who I actually ran into. Tony Metzger! I know right? What are the odds? So that was cool to chat with him for a second. Then we bought a couple wallet busting beers (which were almost worth it they were so delicious. Half Summer Shandy, half Berry Weiss give it a try sometime) and found our seats. The Tigers lost, but whatever. They won the next two games and look like a team that wants to win. They have even been playing offense and defense in the same games.
    I am tired of typing for now. Later I will recount the thrilling experience of getting from the stadium to my car then to a restaurant that serves food after 11.

"If this thing was any smarter it would write a book. A book that would make Ulysses look like it was written in crayon. Then it would read it to you."

Its Is Still Spaghetti Day

    Last day of the spaghetti marathon. I took a break over the weekend. I am a little sad actually. This means I am going to have to cook again soon. I have no idea what I want to eat tomorrow. Maybe it is time to cook up some of those hamburgers I got last week. That might have to happen.
     Went to the Tigers game on Friday. Not surprisingly it was the one game they lost this weekend. Still, it was fun. There were a ton of Tigers fans at the park. From what I heard and saw of the two other games, even more Tigers fans showed up for those. I have heard quite a bit of internet grumbling about a supposed "spitball" thrown by Jose Valverde. I personally hope he did throw a spitball. If you ain't cheatin, you ain't tryin. Someone posted a video of it to YouTube and it just looked like a straight ball to me. That was Charlie Brown's only pitch. The only reason Schroeder even put down signs was to make the other team think he threw something other than a straight ball. He also got thrown out trying to steal home one time because he worked himself up so much thinking about doing it that he slid half way down the base path. Never came close to the plate. Quite the silly cue ball headed character.

     I really like my car. Today at a red light I was enjoying the breeze coming in the window so much that I wanted more. Popped the latches and ten seconds later the roof was down and I could continue on my way. I wonder what the other cars on the road think when I do stuff like that. They should just mind their own business.

Good Week, Fingers Crossed

   So. The week so far has been something else. Monday was pretty uneventful. Work was just work, most of the skin peeled off my back, went for a nice run in the evening, nothing much to report. I honestly don't remember much of Monday. I am not going to try and decide if that is a good thing or not. Moving on... Today was pretty terrible. We had a guy come in to inspect a crane. The company that commissioned him to do the inspection was not especially clear on what exactly they wanted. They did not give him any specific instructions and they certainly didn't give me any. I had a few documents and certifications showing that the crane had gone through the correct processes to be built. So I spent five hours, not including the lunch hour, sitting there waiting for him to figure out what information he needed so I could tell him it was done or correct or whatever. It was especially frustrating since I actually had stuff to do today. For once. Nothing was going right either. The guy couldn't connect to our internet and acted like it was crazy town that we have a secure network, then he needed to scan a bunch of stuff and of course there is one flipping scanner in the whole building. And it had a paper jam. Its not my fault, okay?!? Just fill out your damn paperwork and go away! I have cranes to pretend to manage.

   It is all up hill from here! I got two new hand soaps, Lemon Grass & Basil and Black Currant & Plum. Not sure why they can't seem to just put one aroma in a soap. Maybe it is in the aroma's contract that they have to be paired. Someone should look into that for me. WEDNESDAY IS SPAGHETTI DAY!!! That means I am having spaghetti. I am excited. Almost as excited as I am for Friday when I get to see the Tigers get humiliated by the Reds! I mean when I get to see the Tigers finally win a cussing game! Yay! They better win. I will be sooo angry if I go to a game and they lose. Sadly, the odds are not in my favor that will happen.

"Good feeling gone."

New Experiences

    I got to go to a job site this week. It was a nice change of pace getting out from in front of the computer screen. I am back in front of it writing this of course. At the site I got to see an installer put four cranes in the air. It was a very easy install. They put all four up in less than an hour. There was plenty of overhead clearance and there was room to spare on both sides of the rails. I would like to see a difficult install sometime. This was new construction, no equipment or anything in the way. I would like to see something go up in an existing building where they have to maneuver around things and everything is not super easy. I got lunch paid for this time though, so I have no complaints. The week was super slow, so and change of pace was welcome.

    Just watched The Brothers Grimm. Weird movie. It would have been better if you could understand anything  the guy with the French accent was saying. Or if the little bits of CGI they used were not so campy. It is a highly improbably story. I think they all would have died several more times if it was more realistic. Yes I did say more times. Most of the main characters died once. I also used the word realistic to describe a movie that is based around fairy tale story lines. The old fairy tales were quite cool really. Evil queens living in tower, heroes battling supernatural forces. Too bad all we know of them these days is soft color dwarfs and never ending musical numbers. I wouldn't mind finding a real life sleeping beauty. Aurora was hot in that movie.

    Its too bad the only recent movies on Hulu are Miramax. That studio is pretty much terrible at making movies.Oh well, Kate & Leopold it is. Hey, Hugh Jackman and the guy who plays his brother in X-Men Origins: Wolverine are both in this. Its like 19th century X-men. Yeah, just keep telling myself that. At least so far I have understood every line. Hahaha, they just time traveled.

"Give it the beans!"

Too Much Sun

    Does it count as drunk driving if the person doing the steering and working the pedals is sober but the one doing the shifting has had a few more than one? I am going to say no.

    I played my first round of golf over the weekend. A complete 15 holes. That was all my team mate and I could take. The day started out well enough. Ten guys hitting the links for the start of a bachelor party. Then we got to the first tee. I am not horrible. I hit a few decent shots. Sadly, my best drive we could not find, even though it clearly landed on the fairway. Others we could not find because they landed two holes over across a pond. I had some decent putts. I don't think any of the greens were particularly difficult either. I had at least two rim out. That has to be the most demoralizing thing in the world. You do all that work. Hit the ball as best you can over and over. Then, right when victory is within your grasp, you miss by a half inch and have to take that ten because everyone is yelling at you to stop holding up the group. That didn't actually happen. We were playing best shot, and we are really good at cheating, so the worst we got on any hole was an 8 and we didn't even play those two. Seriously, that is when it became not worth it and we spent the next two holes driving around drinking more beer. Busch classic. That is not what it is actually called, but it wasn't Busch light. Doesn't everyone just make something plausible up when they don't really know what they are talking about? Well they should. On one hole, the rule was you had to use a seven iron on every shot (there was a rule for each hole). On the seven iron hole, I teed off using a crushed Coors Light can. It was my second best shot of the day.

   I got a great sun burn on the course. I wore a polo with a sleeveless athletic shirt underneath. It was too hot on the back nine, so I took the polo off and proceeded to make it look like I had a white shirt on all the time. Luckily we went to the pool Monday afternoon during the hottest part of the day and I burned the heck out of the rest of me, so it just looks like I am an Indian. That's not racist. I think this is the end of this post.

"If you don't have anything nice to say, say it under your breath."

A Regular

    Something out of the ordinary in my pathetically mundane life occurred yesterday. I got a visit from a family member. My big bro Adam stopped in on his way back to St. Louie. Truth be told, he stopped in at just about every town in Ohio. The main reason for the stop was to give his Jeep a rest. It gets tired. He had to stop in Paris and Brazil. We went to the only bar I have found that is worth going to for dinner. On the way there we were talking about being a regular at a place. I was saying that I was not a regular, but was sort of trying to move in that direction. When we were there, Adam asked the girl behind the bar what the specials were that day. She apologized and said she just assumed I already knew. I may not be a regular, but I am apparently a familiar face. Not sure if that is a good thing or not.

    I heard another fantastic instance of parenting from across the parking lot today. The super fat lady was getting out of the car with her two small children when her husband (I am assuming, poor man) came out and helped carry stuff in. This was said by the large one to the husband about the little girl: "She is being an eyehole." I am paraphrasing. This lady needs to stop wearing tank tops. Not only is she enormous, she wears skin hugging clothing. Must be a really lousy way to live. Huge and angry. I prolly need to move before I say something insulting and she sits on me.

"More like an involuntary vow of poverty."

Big Questions

    Is the relaxed state of eyelids open or closed? I always thought it was closed. After all, you are not thinking about keeping your eyes closed when you are asleep, but they stay that way. On the other hand, I hardly ever have to really concentrate on keeping my eyes open when I am awake either. I just open them and they kind of stay there. Sometimes it feels really nice to close my eyes, almost like it is a load off of some muscle that has been straining. Just now I was laying on the ground barely using any muscles at all (trying to relax all of them actually) and my eyes were still open. My vision was starting to blur because the muscles in my eyes were not trying very hard, but my eyes were not closing. When I closed them, it seemed like more of a strain. This is truly a paradox.

    Bob asked me if I lost my razor this morning. In his words, the guys on the floor are supposed to look disheveled, but me, as a high ranking company official, should look presentable at all times. It is news to me that I am high ranking or official. I am not sure if he also noticed that I forgot to put a belt on this morning when I was getting dressed. I won’t tell you what else Bob told me. It had something to do with women being allowed to vote and how back when only men made decisions they would just shoot the people who were dragging their feet and a lot more things got done. He was being mostly serious.

    I have discovered my new favorite spicy sauce. It is a chili garlic sauce and it is hot as heck. Really tasty though. It goes magnificently with Kraft mac n cheese with a Bud Lime to drink. It really clears out the sinuses too. It is about half chili seeds and the rest is just mashed up garlic and peppers I am pretty sure. I really have no idea what is in this stuff. It could be little seed shaped pieces of wood and artificial red spicy paste for all I know.



“So you put down your rock and I put down my sword and we try to kill each other like civilized people?”

The Big One Oh Oh

    This is my one hundredth post. To any of you who have read them all, I am sorry.


    Gas prices are the biggest sham in the modern world. I do not believe for one second that they are driven by anything other than blind greed. Last week the price of gas at one filling station I drive by was 3.78 one day, 3.54 the next, and 3.81 the day after that. I would just love to hear the explanation on that one.
Questioner: "So mister gas price analysis expert, what's up with the huge swing south followed immediately by a conveniently bigger swing north?"
Gas Price Analysis Expert: "Well, uh, gas prices were just about to plummet with increasing supply and decreasing demand, but uh, well um...someone sneezed. Yeah, that's it, they sneezed on the control panel and the WHOLE plant had to shut down for five minutes while they cleaned the control panel. No one wants to get a cold right? Well that short down time had one of those things, like, you know like a butterfly affect. I think I heard that was a real thing in a movie one time. Well that butterfly really messed up everything so now prices are back up. Don't expect them to drop any time soon ether. That butterfly was a nasty bugger."
Questioner: "Riggghhhhtttttttt..."

    That is how I imagine someone has justified it. I am going to buy a solar powered scooter.

"She's got things that belong to me too! If you think you're alone in this you're crazy."

Worst Announcers In The World

    I can not stand when the Tigers play the White Sox. It means that when I watch the recap I will have to listen to the moronic ramblings of the south-side dimwit they have calling their games. He has the worst catch phrases I have ever heard. And I know a bad catch phrase when I hear it. I have been listening to Rod Allen for years after all. The difference between Rod and this guy is that Rod uses complete sentences and doesn't sound like a coked out fanatic when he talks. This is the thing I forgot earlier in case you were wondering. If I was a Pale Hose fan, I would be calling for this guys resignation. If they Chicago fans do in fact enjoy listening to this person, then there is no hope for that city. This is my new favorite website http://www.heavethehawk.com/index.php If only every one of my rants had a website dedicated to it. "This website is dedicated to the removal of White Sox television broadcaster Ken "Hawk" Harrelson. Mr. Harrelson's unique blend of non-standard English and ego-maniacal blather has made the mute button a must for Sox T.V. viewers during the last three decades." Those poor people.